Beginning Of The End – Chapter 1

His first date

He was in first semester and there was a girl in his class. Her name was Tisha. While Arif was more of an introvert, Tisha was just the opposite. She was bold, never giving up, ready to fight. However, just like other girls, she was in awe with Arif. And how can she not? After all, my boy was charming in every sense.

You know how​ college is! First semester kids are newbies so they are usually mix of shy, scared and inquisitive nature. Third semester boys think that they are the boss around because its their college after two semesters. And once they enter fifth semester, they are always in a rush to make sure they clear up their screw ups so they don’t end up in college for another year.

This was Arif’s fifth day in college and he was already popular amongst the girls, even the senior ones. Well that’s because on the first day, we had gone to his class for the “intro round” and he sang a song. Everyone was awestruck with his voice and the girls with us just couldn’t stop talking about him after that day.

That’s how I ended up knowing him. I love to sing as well, but in front of him, I was nothing more than a bathroom singer, though I believe I’m a good singer as well. I had won many competitions in inter-college competitions. I had approached him to be a part of our singing society of our college. I had hoped that one day, once I leave the college, he will be a good president for the singing society.

Coming back to his fifth day. There was some girl who was talking about Arif with her friends and her boyfriend got jealous. Arif had completed his lecture and was going to the cafeteria to have his meal when that boy and his friends gathered around him to bully him. Though Arif was not frightened for even a bit however, he was alone and they were a gang of eight boys.

Tisha and her friends were also on their way to cafeteria as well when she saw those boys ganging up on Arif. Being the bold girl that she was, she yelled at those boys from far. Loaded with all the abuses that we boys use most of the times, she charged on those boys while other girls got stunned.

Those boys couldn’t process what just happened. They thought some senior or professor saw them and they went running. I had just reached the spot with my girlfriend when those boys were running away. Tisha, still angry, was shouting on those boys. My girlfriend was quite happy to see such a volume in her voice as she was the head of street play society and she knew what a good volume is required for street plays. Yeah, we both found our gems just like that.

We approached them and Tisha and Arif (mostly Tisha to be honest) explained what had happened. Arif was still a bit shunned. Even though he stood his ground and did not run away like a poor little cat, yet, I could sense that something has happened because Arif’s face had gone pale as if someone said something which scared him a bit.

Next day, in the college, Arif realized he had not thanked Tisha for backing him last time. He went to her and asked her for a coffee date to thank her and Tisha gladly accepted it. I had thought that they will have a great time together. Well, what else would one expect if the guy is charming and a gentleman and the girl had been waiting for such an evening?

However, it was strange to see Arif and Tisha trying to avoid each other and I think I had seen Tisha crying alone as well. I couldn’t fathom what might have happened but I never dared to ask either for I didn’t want to interfere in their personal matter.

Beginning ​of The End – Introduction

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction however you may find yourself or someone you knew related to the story. This story is dedicated to all those untold stories that never found a voice.

I am Angad. I am a reporter. I come across several stories each day but today, I shiver as I begin to tell you this story. This story is about a friend of mine whose story may not mean anything to you but its important for you to know.

His name was Arif, a tall handsome boy with beautiful hazel eyes. His mother, Raziya was a doctor and his father, Mohammed Hassan was an architect. They were not the typical Muslim family that believed in orthodox. One can say, they were very liberal. But…

He was the only child to his parents, most beloved and pampered kid. He was special after all. Even after all that love and pampering, he was never like other rich brats. I had met him in college. He was my junior.

There was something about him that will make you like him but will also make you jealous. He was such a beautiful young boy with intelligent brains​ and amazing oration skills. He was polite, humble, helpful and a bit shy. He was, in short, every girl’s dream boy.

We became friends on the very first day of his college and in one year he became like a brother to me. In the free time, if you can’t ​find him anywhere, it meant​ he must be in the library. He used to love reading books. 

He was a great singer and girls of our college were head over heels for him. He had told me he never got a professional training in singing though he wanted to. Many boys were jealous of him because he was always surrounded​ by the girls.

… To be continued​.

In Love With A Straight Boy

I remember the first time he sent me friend’s request on Facebook. He was mutual friend of my college friend because they stayed in same locality. But his reason to send me request was not because he saw me as a mutual friend with someone he knew, like most of the kids do, but because he had seen me at Delhi Comic Con participating in cosplay.

My first question to him was, do you have any of our pics together? I was looking out for my pictures in the cosplay, I’m sorry. To my disappointment, he did not take any picture with me (I hate you for that BTW. I’m going to make you read this and you will know this is for you assh*le).

Anyway, I still let him be in my friends list even after such a disappointment. I’m such a kind person you see. Just kidding. I liked him actually because he was such a cute kid. Completely stupid, but cute. Plus point was, he has DOGS. And who does not love dogs and cute dog lovers? 

We never met after that. We exchanged numbers. Started talking over WhatsApp, which was on and off (mostly off because that b*tch is too pricy. *Insert a straight face emoticon here*). However, he was too cute to resist flirting with him and he knew my sexuality because… Well I’m like the rainbow unicorn farting rainbow gas and shitting rainbow all over my Facebook.

He was unlike many of those macho men who get offended or react to a man flirting with them. He knew my appreciation towards him was and is genuine. He started talking to me more comfortably. He would come to me with most silly questions.

He would come and tell me about his hookups with girls and ask me about his silly notions about STDs and sex and even about his concerns related to his genitals. He trusted me and he still does. He’ll cry alone and not tell anyone but he will talk to me. I’ll try to comfort him. 

In knowing that he trusts me and knowing that he does love me, I fell in love with him. I know we can’t be together and I do not wish to cause him any trouble for my happiness. But there is a love that we share which is between us despite of our sexualities. This love is beyond sexual desires, beyond brotherly love, beyond friendly love.

He knows that I want to cuddle with him, play with his hair throughout the night, hold him to sleep, protect and fight for him with anyone and anything and he loves me because he knows that my love for him is not going to change. He knows he can count on me and in return, I know, even though he hardly replies or shows his face, he is the one person I can count on for the love that is eternal.

Having said that, I know it in my head that he won’t be mine, so I know I’ll love him till the end but I can’t hold on to him. I know there’s someone out there who will be mine and I will not love him any less however, the reason why I wanted to write about my straight love is because people should know, sexuality may define what we like sexually but it still does not warrant the love you feel for someone.

People should know that love and sex are not necessarily mutual to each other. Yes, the best is when both are combined together but you can still find happiness with the two existing separately.

On that note, I’ll put this to rest and share the link with that boy on WhatsApp​ now. Thanks for reading. Do share your feedbacks. ❤

Suicide awareness

Off late, there had been so many people who had been posting about suicide awareness, sharing that their doors are open for their friends, etc etc. Its really sweet of them to share it let people know that they are more than ​happy to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear out. However, here are some nasty truths about how it feels when you are being suicidal.

I got to admit, I have my days when I hit the rock bottom and feel like giving up on my life. I’m not proud of the things that I do to myself in those situations and I wish I could be like those who enjoy and laugh even​ in their toughest times. But I have different mind and different ways of reacting.

Many people, who know me, know that I go missing for days. Nowhere to be seen. A social butterfly suddenly becomes the rarest butterfly. Those are my days when I’m going through one or the other mental problem. What I do is hardly known to anyone.

This is how my general routine looks like:

I wake up, get ready, go to work, do my job, laugh along with colleagues, flirt with my crushes at work, come back home, have meal, smoke, sit in one corner of my room, keep checking every message but don’t reply, avoid meeting anyone, lay down, my tears keep falling, keep thinking about how terrible I am, not picking up anyone’s call. Apart from that, many things I do, which we all know are stupid. 

I try to do things that can make me focus on the physical pain instead of mental or emotional pain. I think of ways to end my life and then try not to do such things because I am living with bunch of strangers who should not be answering people about what or why did I do if I do something.

I do not feel like going out and meeting people. I’ll drink and smoke more than usual knowing that at least this is one poison that will kill me slowly. I become defensive towards my behavior by telling people that they know nothing so they shouldn’t tell me what should I do, if in case they figure out something’s wrong with me.

I try to distance myself from the people I love the most by picking up fights on random things just to make sure that they hate me enough so that if I die, they won’t cry. I try to cut my knots before I do anything to myself. 

Trust me, a person who has suicidal tendencies, are stubborn, stern and cold. They are rigid and know that their friends or anyone close to them will not like the idea that they want to die. They know how people will react. They know either people will back off and leave or else, they’ll try to sympathize or else they will try to reason with them why is it a bad idea.

That’s why, thank you for sharing your concern but I, in such a situation, knowing that your doors are open for me, will not come to you upfront to tell you, “Hey! I want to die.” Its not that easy. 

So, what you should do? Invite your friends randomly for drinks or dinner. Plan to meet your people and make sure you meet them and talk. That will help you to connect and understand if your friend is OK. Because no one will come to you directly when they are going through such s phase.

I wish…

I am 25 years old and I have seen so much in my life that I wish I had not. You must have heard “being gay is normal” several times but what no one tells you is, living life of a gay guy who does not fit in the boxes, in a world filled with homophobia, is not going to be a normal life.

Some times I don’t know if going through all the things that I have been through was worth it or not. But there are days when I convince myself that all of this would make sense one day. One day, all of this would be a just a nightmare. One day, someone will wake up and none of it will to be real for them.

When you have seen a trans person crying in the middle of the night after being sexually harassed, you would not like to trust in humanity. When you have sucked penis of a “straight guy” without consent, just to save a drunk girl from harassment, you won’t believe in straight people being straight.

When you have seen parents abandoning their children because of their sexuality, you would not like to trust on any relative. When you have seen friends turning against you, you would not be able to trust people easily. When you have seen your love moving on to a “better looking guy”, you would not like to believe in the concept of true love.

When you have seen the people of your community discriminating their own people, you would not like to believe that there is a community. When you have seen one community divided into several communities and you do not fit in those separated communities either, you would not like to accept anyone’s hand to accept you.

After seeing all of that, if you’ll see a few stories that are different from what you have seen personally, you can only feel happy for those people but those stories won’t bring back your faith. You will continue believing that those few stories are “exception”.

But the good side of all of that? You know what you don’t want for others. You learn to be humble and compassionate. But do you know what? It becomes more confusing because your experiences have made you heartless and yet you know how to spread love. You give love and respect to everyone as long as they deserve it, according to your ideas but you can’t accept the love from others.

I wish, when I wake up from this dream, this world will be a better and more accepting place. I wish…

To the people of Grindr…

If you are wondering what Grindr is, let me explain a bit. Its a dating application for gay or bi men. Its like not-so-sanskari version of shaadi dot com or bharatmatrimony dot com. You see, these websites give the facility to find a suitable partner for straight people for marriage (I guess. Do they really use it for marriage? I doubt.) But since there’s no concept of gay marriages, we go on grindr to find a suitable partner to date or just be friends with. People go there to find hookups as well (OH MY GOSH we homos are such perverts, isn’t it? Bleh, whatever.)

Today, I wanted to address a few things (or should I say people?) which I find irritating. But I hope you all will have a good laugh at it.

To all the “paid boys”, (for those who aren’t aware about the term, it means guys who have sex for money) in the world full of free sex, what makes you think I’ll be interested in spending my money on you? Even if you are Poseidon, I won’t spend money for sex. You should stop approaching people upfront. Leave it on your account that you charge for sex and the ones who are desperate for sex and can spend money for it, will approach you themselves.

To all the guys who mention “no sissy, no pansy, no fairy, no girly” etc on your profile, (yes, gay men can be homophobic too. Blame it on homophobic straight people’s mentality) after I show you my pictures in makeup and jewellery, I expect you to say, I’m sorry you’re not my type. That’s the whole point why I show you my pictures in makeup and jewellery. I’m trying to hint that boy, you’ve come to the wrong place. 

Do NOT tell me, “its OK. I don’t mind as long as you don’t come with makeup.” Like N.O. I don’t wear makeup on daily basis but B!£¢#, I’m gonna wear my makeup every time you are around to make you more uncomfortable. I have no obligation to do things to please you.

Now, to those who ask me, “how can you be top” (well top means the dominating one or in easy words for you to understand, the man between the two when it comes the things that we do in bed), well just because I wear makeup, it doesn’t mean that I have to be bottom. Being top or bottom has nothing to do with what you wear or how you dress up. You need to ask yourself, if you can drool over muscular bottoms with all your saliva dripping, why is it difficult to fix it in your head that the opposite of it is equally possible? Have you never heard about women who use strap-on with their men? Grow up people.

Now to those who abuse others because you don’t have your basics in place, please be mature enough. If you are sending or asking for nudes before you have introduced yourself, don’t expect me to be sugar plum to you. You don’t know how to begin the conversation and approach a person, you should go back to primary school. If you are going to ask me stupid questions, like things that I have already mentioned in my profile or things that I have already tried to divert in other direction in polite manner, they you will get sarcasm in return. Don’t blame me to be rude. Brush up your conversation skills so that you understand what people are trying to do or say when you ask them something. Not everyone likes to insult people in the very first go. I prefer to be humble and not thrash straight away. Don’t think my humility is waste of your time. Be specific, be precise. You’ll save a lot of my time as well as yours.
To those who approach me on Grindr about how they admire me, thank you so much for your appreciation. It would be better if you can approach me about that on my social networking sites. Its a bit awkward when my profile says I’m looking for a date and someone comes to just admire me for my social work. Not that I have anything against you guys but… Its like, your mother pulling your cheeks in front of your date (I guess?)

Well honestly, even though I want the above mentioned things to stop but they are the reason why Grindr is always interesting for me. So you guys can stop doing all of that and leave Grindr as a peaceful dating app or do whatever you like and I’ll have screenshots to share with my friends and we’ll laugh at you.

That’s all for now, I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. Love.

Something stops me

Its been a long time that I have written something. I do apologize to all my readers. I was a bit too busy messing up my life. Today, I thought of writing but something is telling me don’t. Something is telling me, “What do you want to write about? Another painful story of how someone gave up on his life? Another sad story of how someone bled himself while the mosquitoes and flies bathed in his blood? People have had enough of those stories. Make up a fiction, give out a happy story to people to have hope, so that they can believe, so that they can love.”

Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a happy story today. I just can’t. For the first time, I’m going to publish this incomplete, small post because I want you all to know, I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

The Forgotten Reality

We are living in a funny world. People don’t really understand the meaning of love these days but they want to find happiness in the “feeling of love”. That’s the reason, these days when I see two people advertising their love, I can easily tell they are going to breakup soon.

I know I sound mean and negative but that’s my experience talking. I don’t mean to sound negative or rude but I have been there, done that. Love isn’t what people think it is these days, and by that I mean it isn’t as much about “oh he cares for me” as it is about “I can spend the rest of my life with this f*cker”.

Boys at the young ages, who are struggling between their books and their sexuality tend to be more vulnerable and feel left out. In such a situation, some guy would come and give them attention and they start feeling oh, this is the one. And the other guy starts thinking that this is the one for me.

First of all, to all the young boys in their teens, you guys need to focus on what’s important in your life. Your career, your education should hold priority. Enjoy your youth for it won’t last forever. Don’t give importance to relationships with some guy. You can spend time on that when you have earned a life of freedom.

You can’t step out of your house without answering hundreds of questions of your parents, you are certainly not ready for a boyfriend (unless its just a time pass). You have more important things in your life, find your goal and work on achieving it.

Now for the guys, who think that these young boys will be their boyfriend forever, these young boys are new birds. They are just learning to fly. Stop trying to bind them in the cage of love. That will only lead to the feeling of getting choked. You should rather encourage them to build up a great career and give them a freedom that they deserve.

Stop thinking that being in love means, “Did you eat something baby?” Or “What are you doing baby?” All the time. That’s not love. That’s just your attraction or infatuation that keeps you attracted to that person. And as a human, we love mysteries and puzzles, till they are solved.

Till the time, you both haven’t seen each other’s worst and still came out strong, you both aren’t in love. Till the time you both haven’t lived with each other enough to know each other’s smell, each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s dirty habits, you guys haven’t loved each other.

The reason why these so called relationships don’t last long anymore is because we are caught up in our own problems that we start thinking that I’ve found the love of my life when someone gives us a comfort. However, that’s not how love works.

We need to understand, its easy to fall in love but difficult to be in love. If you have even the slightest doubt, its not love. Learn about each other enough to claim that you love each other. By shouting at the top of your voice, “oh I love him so much” does not prove your love.

I hope that one day, people will learn that love is not just bed of roses, rainbows and unicorns. Its about taking responsibilities, honesty, care, affection AND sex. Yes, sex is also an integral part of love or relationship. Every human, who is not a celibate or asexual, has desires, physical needs. If they don’t get fulfilled and the person forces to hide their desires for long, they tend to fulfill them secretly. Which leads to cheating and further complications.

Till the time we are not open to take the responsibilities that come along with the love, we should refrain ourselves from the false commitments. Understand love in true sense before you start crying about how much you love someone. Maybe that’ll save you from a heartbreak and false hopes.

Existence of this is what’s wrong…

Couple of years ago, a human started bothering the members of LGBT community with his anti LGBT campaign under the veil of anti AIDS campaign. He used to make multiple profiles with several fake names and his own name to pester all the LGBT groups and individuals in India. 

You probably would be waiting to know his name but I refrain myself from using his name. You’ll see his name in the screenshots that are about to follow.

He, once challenged the whole Delhi LGBT community that he’ll come to Delhi pride and take everyone’s blood test and prove that “Every person of LGBT community has STD”, which apparently never happened. (Is it too early to call him coward?) Eventually, everyone realised that he is nothing more than a “barking dog seldom bite” and his existence became irrelevant to everyone of us.

His argument was, LGBT community is the prime reason for the STDs. To no one’s surprise, he does not even understand that the new cases of STDs are getting reduced every year, as per UNAIDS reports.

A screenshot of the UNAIDS report where it shows there has been more than 50% reduction
Guess what? This reduction in new cases has been marked after the LGBT community started getting recognized in the country. But no, this human from Punjab who used to mention “microbiologist” in his facebook profile does not understand that the way to prevent the increase in STD cases is to promote safe sex amongst LGBT community instead of pushing them back into the closet.

After couple of years, few days back, he challenged me that he will soon publish some book that will send the LGBT community back into the closet. He accepted the challenge saying, if he fails, he’ll make a video of him having sex with another man and he will become my slave.

He told me, he has been making his contacts and getting strong political support in order to send the LGBT community back into closet. Now from being a microbiologist, he became manifesto writer for BJP Punjab, a political party that believes in Hindu ideals (or so as I believe). I guess that’s what he meant to say.

But guess what? He is much more than just microbiologist and manifesto writer. He also found “hallucinative way of communicating”. Well hello there Einstein. (I don’t even know what does hallucinative way of communicating means.) Oh and by the way, if you guys were wondering whose forgiveness are we, LGBT community, seeking? It was of this guy. Unfortunately, luck is not in our favor. Sigh.

 Now, you guys might be wondering why am I so bothered about him? Its not like he can do anything really (which I completely agree to). However, the reason why I’m taking the time out to write this down is because the way he is behaving with my friends, specially girls.

He sent me a message after almost a year which I shared on my facebook wall. Here’s what he had sent:

Glory be to the demon whores, gays and gay world, 
You bloody dickhea*s, demon suc*ers, you poor souls,

There should have been hard punishment for pyscho sick people like you, harrish iyer, niladri chatterje, aditya bandopdyaa, you all people are gay demons, history can forgive , but not harit, the way u transforming and perverting innocents, will be the chief cause of your own deaths, you and your community , both are going to enter into the sea of fatal diseases, you people are voluptuous of highest order, you need nothing but hard sticks on your butts, your ass should be beaten 377 times, to teach you the lesson of Health and healthy behaviors, you people are going to change the foundation of society, i am going to gear up against you via my book on homosexuality and its consequences, see yourself after my book, you and bloody dauchebags, so called l,g,b,t would be on their knees 
Do away with homosexuality

A friend of mine, a girl had commented:

MORON SPOTTED. 😆 And yes, We ain’t douchebags. He is. But guess what, he doesn’t know the spelling himself.

And she shared a screenshot:

Now the word bastard, in an informal use, means an unpleasant or despicable person. However, that human took it as person born to unmarried parents. He went to her profile and sent her this, which she later sent me:

A human, who first sends abusive message, expects others to praise him I guess? That seems to be the only reason why he couldn’t see a girl calling him a bastard. What makes me write this blog is, he claims to write manifesto of BJP in Punjab for 2017.

I leave it to you all to decide what kind of people are working for our government and should these people, who abuse others, man or woman, be allowed anywhere near to the government bodies?

By the way, did I mention that he thinks V B Hariharan is Modi himself?

You have seen his name and you know how he behaves. Now rest is up to you, what you think. Share this, if you think that this man should learn to behave.

UPDATE: I sent emails to CPR India and Researcher India regarding his behavior and I’m waiting for their response.

However, when I told that guy about my email sent to the organisations he is associated with, this was his response.

Honestly, I don’t know how someone who abuses others first, expects people to give him respect and not abuse him on their friend’s facebook status and I really don’t know if he is actually associated to those organisations or is he still a preschool kid. 

I’ll update as and when there’s any development.