One thing my family always taught me is honesty. Even though I rarely lie but I lied to my own family about my sexuality for a long time. Maybe because I wasn’t sure or maybe because I was in denial. But as soon as I learned to live with my own self, my family got to know about my inclinations.
It took me some time to realize my sexuality and then some time to accept it. I was not ready to come out but I got outed somehow. All this time I was not able to discuss it with my family because I was always told that girls like boys and boys like girls. I knew that I like boys so I feared that they will tell me I am a girl. I hid it from them. At the same time, keeping it in me started becoming burden for me.
That time, I got to know about a social networking site called Orkut. I joined it and made a different profile to explore people who can listen to me and help me. I was trying to keep it separate from my family life. Gradually, I grew as an online person, talking to people on social networking sites because I knew my family will not listen about my struggle to identify myself. In our family, talking about sex or sex related things has always been a taboo.
I used to feel better after talking to my online friends and my family started feeling insecure. My family has shouted over me and fought with me because of me talking to my friends. They told me that I have ruined my studies and everything because of computer and my friends. I guess they expect me to score 100% everywhere. My family always expects me to do this and do that. I know they have put in a lot of time and money on me but forcing that expectation just burdens me. It freaks me out, makes me think, what if I fail? I know a lot of you will tell me to be positive and all that crap. But I think practically. for everything, the possibilities of winning comes with the possibility of losing. I cannot think of just one possibility. I believe in “aim for the best, prepare for the worst”.
I remember when I was a kid, one of my sisters was not very studious. She had once failed her quarterly exams. She was scared to come back home with that report card so she manipulated the numbers in her report card. When my father came to know of this, he slapped her for not studying well enough and then for telling lie. That day had scared me. I always try to do the best I can but I also think, what if I fail him? He will not beat me now but surely he’ll be broken. Also this is one of the reasons I prefer not to tell lies.
I tell my family everything that I can. My mother wants me to talk with family members about everything. I have 3 elder sisters, my mother and my father in my family. Two sisters are married my father stays away because of his field work. So I have my sister and my mother with me. Now, my sister tells my mother everything that happens with her and my mother expects me to do the same. My sister tells mother about her colleagues in the office, their children, their gossip. I don’t know what my mother wants to listen from me. I live with my friends and my talks are very different from girls gossips. We either talk about our girlfriends, boyfriends, sex life, etc or the studies like what project, what submissions, what chapter etc. If I tell my mother about the girlfriend boyfriend thing my mother goes “Uff the modern generation” and I don’t think I can make her understand about my studies. She is not a computer person and I am a computer student. Other than that I tell everything that I can to my family. Yet they tell me I don’t talk to my family. They tell me how my cousin talks to everyone in the family and all. When they say that I really feel sorry that my family never understood me that I am not very talkative person.
My mother says I speak so coldly and roughly. I agree but I talk like that in general unless I am really happy. I think all these years, they never realized this before. They just want me to be someone else and are simply unhappy with whatever I am right now. I guess all this was piling up and then my sexuality just blasted it all for my family to let me go and live my life on my own way away from them.
Now I am in a situation where I promised my family that I’ll come back once they can consider me as a worthy son instead of a sorry burden, when they’ll believe I can take care of my family. But a lot of my friends are asking me to go back to them, lie to them till I finish studies and then leave them. I really don’t know if I should do that. I know they became heartless when they first asked me to leave so I shouldn’t feel wrong doing the same. But the thought that they are my family and I cannot do the same what they have done, or else I will be no different tells me not to go back as a liar. I wish it was easier but I am in such a situation where I am not able to understand what shall I do. Lie or live? Struggle or Go back? I am just so confused that I am not able to decide.