I am free

We all live our lives. And the truth is, we all want to live happily. No one wants to live a life where you do not have the freedom to be who you really are.

I know many will feel outraged after reading my next few lines. So if you do, my humble apologies. It’s just an example.

Why did our freedom fighters fought and died? To give us the life where we are not forced to live a life according to someone else. They fought so that we can have the freedom. That was a fight on a massive scale. However, a question still comes to my mind, “Are we really free?”

When a child is born in our homes, we already decide what is he/she/ze going to be and we expect him/her/zer to become that. If they fails, it disappoints us.

We force the children to live a life on the predefined path. If they don’t follow the path, we question our upbringing and feel failed. Which in turn forces the child to get back on that path because for us, family is above all.

We do not wish to see their happiness. We are too scared of what society will say, what will the child do in future. Unfortunately, we got freedom from the external kingdom however we are still not free because of people’s expectations. It’s OK to expect something but not to force someone to fulfill your expectations.

I have disappointed my family several times. They were disappointed when I didn’t study during exams, however yet I did my best in exams and secured either of the top three positions in the school. They were disappointed when I didn’t play sports, however I was good in studies. They were disappointed when they got to know I’m gay (biggest disappointment), and I tried and will always try to prove that I wil never let them down.

However, I can’t do it caged in the bars of expectations. If they have to see that I am their respectful son, I would prove it to them by being who I really am.

On this new year, I decided that I’ll live my life the way I want, happily, and yet do everything to show my family that I will always do things that will make them proud. I love to put on liner, wear jeweleries, wear high heels and look beautiful which I can never do till my family is with me, which in turn used to make me sad and grumpy. You see, if you don’t have the life you want, you tend to revolt at times.

So, I decided to shift to a different city, explore the world around on my own, take challenges and be who I really am. So I finally moved to Mumbai, the dream city, from Delhi.

Here I got a job, got a better position, better salary and I can dress up the way I want. I don’t care about what works thinks of me because I can take their insults but not myself. I cannot go to bed every night asking myself, “Look at yourself, is this who you really are?”

As they say, respect yourself first, and the world will respect you. I am going to respect my true identity and I know, things will fall in their places. I have a bunch of loving friends and there are many who respect me for who I truly am.

My last day in Delhi was my 22nd birthday. I met all my friends (at least tried to) whole day around the city and everyone was happy to see me taking chances on my own and trying to live my life on my own. They wished me good luck for future and they wished ask the happiness to me. However my dear friend, Dr. Suman, told me something that gave me enormous happiness. He said, “I saw your pictures of Mumbai and I could see the happiness in your heart. You have your life there where you can be who you truly are. I am glad you took this decision.”

That was the moment of my clarity and even the slightest doubt and fear in my mind of moving to a new city, taking new challenges all on my own, were clear. I realized that life is where your happiness lies and happiness is where you can respect yourself and you can respect yourself where you have the freedom to be who you really are.

I don’t know what life has in store for me but I do know that I am free and I will face the challenges on my own because this time, I have fulfilled my expectation from myself.

I will live and I won’t look back. As my friend, Aiyush suggested, “I have spread my wings, now it’s time to fly not looking back.”

Happiness to all.

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8 thoughts on “I am free

  1. You’ve fought hard and tough for the current place you are in. I have seen a bit of that struggle. Bombay has brought you independence and freedom. Cherish these times. You deserve every bit of happiness. I’ll pray for it to last more than the lifetime.

    Tu haste hue bahaut achha lagta hai Toshu. Khul ke jee apni zindagi πŸ˜€

  2. The happiness is infectious. I feel happy after reading this. πŸ™‚ hope you have a great and free life ahead! Best wishes πŸ™‚

  3. Hey! I’ve been reading your write-ups. Can i just take a moment to say you’re awesome. Wow you have zillion times more confidence than I ever did (although being a super obese person is till acceptable in India if we were to put it on a scale comparing it with homosexuality!) I’d like to connect with you. I have been reaching out to LGBT groups in India both for volunteering opportunities and to do a piece. But no luck! Maybe you can give me an insight. Drop in a message on ishaquemawra@gmail.com

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