Monthly Archives: October 2016

Why do I love you – story

He was sitting in the balcony of his flat on the 15th floor in a lush green locality with the moonlight reflecting through the water of the sea in a distance on a starry night. The coffee on the table had gone cold and the ash tray was filled with ashes and cigarette butts. 

He was still smoking the Marlboro lights, his favorite brand, when someone came and sat next to him. “You know its not good. You have already smoked 7 in last 2 hours. Don’t do this to yourself.”, that person said.

“Did it hurt you as well?”, the only question he thought of asking.

“You know I’ll speak what you think. I’m just a figment of your thoughts. So, yes. Letting you go was hard for me as well. I loved you. I still do. But you remember my last words? I asked you if you want to be with me. But you were too scared. I know you have never been loved completely and that’s why you were scared. We are all scared of something new. But your walls were too high. I tried my best to break down your walls.”

“Did you ever feel that I don’t love you? Was ‘I love you’ the only thing that could have told you how much I love you?”

“No, but I wanted to hear it from you. I tried to enter inside those walls and be with you but you kept pulling yourself away.”

“You know, I’m glad that you found someone who allowed you in after you left me. I wish I could just forget that I still love you.”

A voice interrupted from behind, “You see, that’s why I told you that your love has no value.”

He knew this voice. His head lowered and the tears drizzled over his black T-shirt which knew how to absorb and hide it from everyone else. That was one of the reasons why black was his favorite color.

The person sitting next to him vanished in thin air and the voice from behind continued. “You fall in love with people and you still love them. How could you do this? Did I not mean anything to you?”

He replied, “I wish I could show you what you mean to me. Everything I did for you was because I love you.”

“Hahahahaha. You just said I love you to him and now you’re saying you love me? You prove that love is just a word for you. Your ex at least knows the value of that word and I’m happy that I found a guy like him. At least, he does not go around saying I love you to everyone.”

“I’m glad. I can’t stop loving either of you.”

Another voice took over, “That’s why I was scared to be with you. I knew you will never be mine completely. You still love them and you being polyamorous, I felt insecure. I wish it was not this way. I had to find someone who can love me and take me out of my darkness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love again but the least I can do is keep that person happy who loves me and me alone.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the perfect lover. How I wish!”

Another person came and sat on his knees in front of him to hold his trembling hand and said, “You know I’m always going to be there for you. I am insecure as well to know that you may love someone else someday. But I’m not going to leave you.”

“I know you love me but you’ll leave as well once you’ll find someone to love you only.”

“You are just too scared and I hope one day, this will change.”, with those words, that person stood up and disappeared. 

Another person came from behind and caressed his hair. “Dave, you’re a beautiful person but you carry darkness within you. I loved you but I have my own darkness. We both need someone to take us to light. Your darkness would have added to mine. That’s why I had to ask you to leave. I’m sorry that I made you build your walls so high.”

“Its done. You already got someone I love. I hope you find the light. This is my life now. This is my darkness.”

“For the first time, I don’t know why, but your words have hurt me. But I know, this too shall pass.”

The caressing stopped and another figure appeared, standing near the railing of the balcony. “I admire you. You are like an inspiration for me. You make me believe that one day everything will be fine. How can you think of being with someone who is your inspiration?”

“You don’t have to justify yourself. I will learn to stop falling in love.”

All the voices came together now, “If that’s what you want, let us help you build your walls higher than before.”

That night, he went off to sleep only to wake up as an amorophobic person. His walls, higher than before. His emotions locked down in a dark corner. Maybe someday, someone will walk in, to try and bring him to light but who knows, if that will be another evil play or a real love.

I hope you liked it ๐Ÿ™‚

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A small survey…

Well… I recently made a questionnaire out of curiosity to see what people see or think when they want a partner in their lives.

Disclaimer: The results of this questionnaire does not determine or speak for everyone. In the end, not everyone is same.

However, I hope you guys will find the results interesting. 

So… In this survey, a total of 85 people participated and since I shared it in mostly LGBT groups where mostly gay guys are more active, most of the participants were gay…

Now, let’s first talk about the predominant gay people. Total of 58 gay guys participated. And its interesting that gay guys who identify themselves as top are lesser in the list of participants. It was an open questionnaire. So, this makes me wonder if tops are really shy because I don’t think there’s any lack of tops. Trust me, on the gay dating apps, I mostly find tops sending me messages.

I asked the tops, what do they want their partner to be and out of 9 people, majority does not care.

However, most of the bottoms are very specific it seems.

However, this doesn’t seem that surprising, coming from versatile gay guys.

Now, amongst these 58 guys, 50% of guys prefer masculine guys but not alpha men. Some don’t care the kind of guy as long as they are good people and there’s love and few want to have alpha male guys. 

Now, let’s speak about lesbians. I guess lesbians are either busy in their own lives, working for themselves or the society or they are too shy to participate. Only 4 girls participated who identify themselves as lesbians.

However, its amazing to see that these girls don’t care what their girl prefers in bed (as long as there is love, I believe).

However, what kind of girl they want as partner is something that seems to be determined by their personal preference in bed. This should give an insight.

Now, since straight, bisexual and pansexual can be either men, women or trans people, here’s the percentage break down of how many of them participated.

Now, out of these, we got as many bisexual and pansexual people as there are straight men who were interested in the survey. However, straight women seems to be more active on facebook than the rest.

Now, that says, 5 straight men and 7 straight women participated. However, most of them do not care if the person is masculine or feminine.

Now, few questions were common to all. First was, what is their preferred age group and it seems 21-30 is most preferred. 

PS the participants were between 19 to 50 years and most of them were between the age group of 19 to 30.

Next was, how many of them are monoamorous and how many are polyamorous. And undoubtedly, monoamorous holds majority with 60 out of 85.

When monoamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is polyamorous and they can’t change, their response was not surprising for me. 33 out of 60 said, they will leave their partner.

I guess, people still think that loving more than one means cheating on your partner who loves you only or maybe they want their partner to love them only. However, when polyamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is monoamorous, 22 out of 25 said they’ll adjust.

I guess, polyamorous people will mostly have to cut down on their love for others and shut their feelings out and they’ll be asked to choose any one. However, I honestly respect those 27 monoamorous people who believe they’ll try to adjust with the fact that their love loves someone else as well. I know its not easy.

Now, let’s take a look at what do they see first while choosing a partner.

Based on this, majority of people consider the nature of a person. The ones who selected other, wanted to select more than one option. However, there was one option that was answered in the other section and that was emotional independence. Now that was interesting. 

Some people asked me why do I not have multiple option for this. Honestly, I wanted people to respond to this based on what comes first in their mind instead of going by everything.

I also wanted to see if people would speak up for a random queer person if their partner passes a derogatory comment at someone for being different from others and I must say, this makes me happy to see that most of the people would try to make their partner realize that they are wrong.

Now, all of this does not conclude anything in specific but it is certainly interesting to see these responses. Now this final question was to see how these people themselves see a group which is treated as an outcast mostly, the hijras. And I’m glad to see that most of the people do not see them as an outcast but as any other human being who deserves same space as everyone else. Some of them also acknowledge that they are underprivileged which means they believe that hijras deserve more than what they currently have in the society.

I hope you guys find these results as interesting as it is for me. What do you think?

Response to Major Gaurav Arya

Dear sir!

You belong to army I believe? First of all, I have a great respect for our indian army men. My uncle is lieutenant colonel in armed forces. I know, you people took up the most risky job of your lives. We, common people do not deserve as much respect as you do. Everyday of your lives are at risk.

Not long ago, when everyone was expecting a good night sleep, some terrorists killed 18 soldiers near the border. I have no words to express how I feel. Only thing I can think of is I want those terrorists to be dead. I want every last terrorist to be dead so that they do not breed any further. So that this world of hate and murders can be over.

But there are many people like me who think sending Pakistani artists back was not necessary. You said that makes you soldiers think why are you even fighting? Well I believe the war you are fighting is to achieve peace? I guess that’s what said as well, peace is the end result of war.

Anyone who wants peace, knows that there will be a war, a war against terrorism. We stand in solidarity with you in the war against terrorism. We appreciate our soldiers fighting it back for the peace. But are the artists of Pakistan terrorists? Fawad Khan, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan and many other Pakistani artists, who have worked with Bollywood, have considered India as their family, not once but time and again.

There are several Pakistani people who are a fan of Bollywood movies and actors. Do you consider every Pakistani a terrorist supporter? Do you believe every Pakistani is a terrorist? Do you think that only India has innocent civilians?

Why is it too difficult to believe that we stand with our army in the fight against terrorism? Just because we believe that every innocent lives, who wants peace, matter? Just because we appreciate and admire those Pakistani artists who consider India as their family, you and your soldiers think that we have lost respect for you and those who lost their lives?

Yes, its very easy for us to sit in our homes and talk about peace because we aren’t fighting at the borders but I have a question. Why did you choose Indian army when you could have been a 12th pass call center worker? Were you not aware of what responsibilities come along with that uniform? Did your soldiers sign up for this job to hear about whether people are boycotting peace loving Pakistani citizens or not? Or did you sign up for this job just because it secures your family future and pays you well? I’m asking this because my family wanted me to join army because I won’t have money issues and my family future will be secured.

If those were the reasons for joining Indian army, then I think you shouldn’t have been in the army in the first place. One must join army for 2 reasons, they are against terrorism and they are ready to fight for the safety of the nation. 

We mourn along with the families of the soldiers. Their deaths were uncalled for. But sending Pakistani artists back is neither going to help us achieve peace, nor it will bring back the lives of the departed souls. Your fight is against terrorism. It doesn’t matter if its from Pakistan, China or any other country.

There’s no pain of Fawad leaving India, its just a logical reasoning and debate. There were 20 Pakistani girls who came to India recently as a delegate to peace summit. Should they have been boycotted and sent back just because they are young girls from Pakistan who wants peace? Is having Pakistani citizenship a benchmark or a brand that confirms that the person is a terrorist?

Patriotism is good but we believe in “Vasudhaiv Kutumbakum”. We have respect for our army but that does not mean that we will support every senseless step that is not towards progression or betterment. 

We can keep on arguing about ban on Pakistani artists but honestly, let’s consider a situation where we manage to kill every last terrorist hiding in Pakistan. The only thing that it will lead to is another set of people in Pakistan who will remember how Indians misbehaved with the peace loving citizens of Pakistan.

You see what it will create? A new set of haters, a new set of terrorists. And this fight will never stop. We have a choice, either we spill our anger all at once and create more hate between the two nations and focus on short term peace or we hold on to whatever small amount of love and mutual respect we have achieved between the two countries and destroy the pertaining hate filled terrorists and aim at a long time peace.

Choice is yours. I leave the judgement upon you and every other citizen.

Thank you.