Monthly Archives: February 2018

How does it feel to drag?

The first picture was taken a couple of days before I shaved my beard. My hair was shampooed in the morning before I left for my work.

The second picture was taken a couple of days after the first pic. Shaved, not shampooed hair, makeup on, nothing unusual.

In the first pic, I don’t think I look bad (because I can’t look bad in pictures) but when you look at the second picture, you feel like that’s such a pretty lady. I don’t mean to sound like I’m full of myself (maybe a little bit?) but you have to agree, the second picture does look like the old Hollywood actresses’ look. Even the messed up hair feels like has fallen to right places. It doesn’t look slutty or cheap but more like sultry and romantic.

I’m the same person in the end, behind those beard as well as the makeup. I feel the same way for the people I love and the ones I don’t. It doesn’t change. If I love someone, I still love that person.

I have not done drag drag previously but I have gone out in makeup many times with my beard and liner and jewelries, because I love to bend the gender roles in dressing and I still love to do it and I will continue doing it.

However I wanted to try drag because for me, it’s an art. To become like a woman, to maybe appear like someone you love so much is a form of art. For example, when I saw my picture, I felt like I looked like my mother in her young age (taller body with shorter hair version though).

To become so pretty that you feel you are exactly like your mother, a face you have loved since your first breath is no less than an art form. To feel what your mother might have felt amongst men staring at her, to feel what it feels like to be a woman takes courage, pair of metal balls, might I say.

It’s not some mere desire to look like a woman nor some dirty trick to get men in the bed. Honestly, the side of men you’ll see after going drag, you might would want to give up on the desire for men, it can be so nasty. However, heart wants what it wants.

It’s not some fun game honey! It takes a lot of nerve to do drag or might I say, it takes a lot of nerve to be a woman. So before you consider a queen some cheap cross dresser you hooked up with over Grindr, you better watch your mouth.

And to all the queens who have been doing this for so long, you all have my respect and love.

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday and I am not happy. Despite of getting 130 birthday wishes by now, all of them wishing me for a happy day, I am not. I was so excited for my birthday and I don’t even know why.

I thought it will be the day when the ones I love will remember me after a year. They will probably call or drop a text to me. Well, a lot of people did but there are a few whom I gave a part of my heart, haven’t. Maybe they will remember me later, maybe they will never wish me, I don’t know.

I also realized that I am turning old and I haven’t managed to find one person who will be there with me as my partner. I haven’t found anyone who can make me a human again, who can bring me back from this self destructive dead existence.

I have lived alone giving love and a family to those whom I love but that is just not enough I guess. It’s never enough. The only end result of my love is to watch them go with someone else.

Probably, I need to end this life and begin a new one completely fresh with new challenges and new life. I think I need to decide something soon.