Category Archives: Love

The one I always Harass

OK! I know the title sounds like I am some criminal but let me assure you, it’s not what it looks like. This post is about someone who never gives up on me and how, from a college junior, he became an unsung savior of my life.

Meet my skinny skeletal savior, Saif Haider aka Saifuddin Siddiquie, as I named him. (OK I’m NOT body shaming him. I’m skinny too. Also, my auto correct keeps changing his last name to “Harder”. I wonder why…)

Now, look at that face and tell me if he isn’t cute AF. (A little secret: it’s just filters).

We met in my college. He was a newbie and I was in the third semester of my college if I’m not mistaken. You know how the college seniors are. They get fresh meat every year till they pass out (I don’t mean drunk and how) and they pick random kids and take their intro rounds.

This one was our special pick, timid, skinny and bossy amongst all the newbies. Well, I later realized that he wasn’t being bossy. Rather everyone loves him almost immediately after meeting him.

He’s helping, kind, charming and stupid too. I loved him for being stupid. I always love twinks who are little stupid. But then he was from the same subject as mine, which was computer science. Girls and gurls, if you don’t know what does that mean, let me tell you. All you need to know is, a person in that course usually has an analytical mind, unless they are just a victim of what parents asked them to do. So that makes him a stupid intelligent person… Is that oxymoron? Is that even possible? I don’t know.

Whether it’s possible or not, I liked this guy from the very first day. Eventually, I got to know, he’s from “My Hometown” *singing in Adele’s voice*. (Did you guys do that too? I’m sure you did if you know the song.) That became a thing. Me, Ameekar (I don’t know if you guys have been following me everywhere but you must know, that’s one of my BFF and my family as well), his younger brother Nishikar and Said. The four of us from the same ancestral place. We bonded over that and our course and eventually became very close friends.

Before he entered the college, my college knew about my sexuality. With Saif I don’t think I ever had to come out to him (Saif correct me if I’m wrong). He knew and he never said anything offensive or against me. Rather he loved me, like a family.

You know how life sometimes plays a game so that you can weed out the unwanted toxins from your friend/social circle? Something similar happened to me back then. I didn’t have a home or anything. This boy gave me a shelter and would come every once in a while to check back on me. He took care of me when there was no one and he still does.

He’ll do everything to make things work and sort out EVERY possible things that he can and will go beyond. I never understood why but I at least know there are people like him, maybe only a few but someone you can always count on. I have been such an awful friend to everyone all my life and I swear to God, it’s not even funny. I never call anyone, I don’t remember to text people for months. But this boy always gets back to me.

I think, I’ve always contacted him whenever I was in a need of something and he always gets it done, unless it’s beyond his control as well. I come across as such a mean person who just talks to people when he needs help but then as a child, we were trained to use the phone only when there’s an emergency so that you reach out to people. I guess, every since childhood, I never liked having a conversation over the phone.

I know many people who have a complaint regarding this attitude and there are people who actually won’t be bothered now if I call them. But this boy, he never complained about it. Rather, he is exactly how he was 3 years ago.

I have slapped him (non violent slaps/friendly slaps) so many times. I beat him every time I meet him. That’s how I express my love to someone I dearly care about. If I can be comfortable enough to physically hit you, it means I know you belong to me and I will always love you and care for you. It’s weird I know. Shut up.

I really don’t know what good have I done to deserve this person in my life, but this boy has been a savior and he proves that you don’t have to have a pumped up body to save someone and you don’t need to have everything to be there for the ones you love.

PS He’s not gay. All you perverts, back off. He’s mine.

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It wasn’t a date…

He was as beautiful as the morning sun shining through the small water drop holding on to the spike of the pine leaf after a chilly snow fall. Those green eyes glimmer in the dim streetlight through those big beautiful lashes as if the child inside him lives in the silent moments of the night.

His smile is mischievous and the curve of his lips hide his eyes as they stretch for the smile. His hair is as wild as his spirit and they peep through that big beanie that he is fond of. That one lock of his hair that wouldn’t listen and will fall on his face no matter what he does. Those beard are pointy but they all look as if they know which direction to grow without failing.

We would walk on the streets holding each others hands. I would hold him as he comfortably curls into my arms when we go to sleep. That kiss, that first kiss of the year, just made me feel like, in this moment, I have got everything that I want, everything that I ever needed. 

No sadness, no depression, no anxiety, no mood swings. It felt like I have it all and I could live in this moment forever. Oh, I would give anything to have that moment as the only moment of my life. My soul felt happy. 

But… It wasn’t a date. We didn’t mean to feel the love. It just happened. I was scared to even hold him close because he came in as a guest. You don’t know if he would end up feeling that I wanted sexual favors for letting him stay at my home right? But once we held each other, we spent moments together. 

The simplest memories of being with him, walking the streets holding the hands while people looked at us is beautiful. I don’t even know what their expressions were because I was caught up in the beauty of that boy. I mean, what else can you expect? 

I have told myself several times now, he’s not gonna stay. You don’t know how he feels about you. You don’t know if he feels for you how you feel for him. But for some reason, the moment his face shines through his beautiful mane, my heart skips a beat and the moment he smiles, I forget what was I telling myself. 

I guess, the moments that I shared with him were the most beautiful ones I can have as my new year’s beginning. Whatever that was, wasn’t a date but it was perfect. 

Tomorrow, once he will be gone for good, I might will need a long time to forget and move on. I’ll take a leave now, hoping that these moments in my mind never fade away. 

Good night. 

In Love With A Straight Boy

I remember the first time he sent me friend’s request on Facebook. He was mutual friend of my college friend because they stayed in same locality. But his reason to send me request was not because he saw me as a mutual friend with someone he knew, like most of the kids do, but because he had seen me at Delhi Comic Con participating in cosplay.

My first question to him was, do you have any of our pics together? I was looking out for my pictures in the cosplay, I’m sorry. To my disappointment, he did not take any picture with me (I hate you for that BTW. I’m going to make you read this and you will know this is for you assh*le).

Anyway, I still let him be in my friends list even after such a disappointment. I’m such a kind person you see. Just kidding. I liked him actually because he was such a cute kid. Completely stupid, but cute. Plus point was, he has DOGS. And who does not love dogs and cute dog lovers? 

We never met after that. We exchanged numbers. Started talking over WhatsApp, which was on and off (mostly off because that b*tch is too pricy. *Insert a straight face emoticon here*). However, he was too cute to resist flirting with him and he knew my sexuality because… Well I’m like the rainbow unicorn farting rainbow gas and shitting rainbow all over my Facebook.

He was unlike many of those macho men who get offended or react to a man flirting with them. He knew my appreciation towards him was and is genuine. He started talking to me more comfortably. He would come to me with most silly questions.

He would come and tell me about his hookups with girls and ask me about his silly notions about STDs and sex and even about his concerns related to his genitals. He trusted me and he still does. He’ll cry alone and not tell anyone but he will talk to me. I’ll try to comfort him. 

In knowing that he trusts me and knowing that he does love me, I fell in love with him. I know we can’t be together and I do not wish to cause him any trouble for my happiness. But there is a love that we share which is between us despite of our sexualities. This love is beyond sexual desires, beyond brotherly love, beyond friendly love.

He knows that I want to cuddle with him, play with his hair throughout the night, hold him to sleep, protect and fight for him with anyone and anything and he loves me because he knows that my love for him is not going to change. He knows he can count on me and in return, I know, even though he hardly replies or shows his face, he is the one person I can count on for the love that is eternal.

Having said that, I know it in my head that he won’t be mine, so I know I’ll love him till the end but I can’t hold on to him. I know there’s someone out there who will be mine and I will not love him any less however, the reason why I wanted to write about my straight love is because people should know, sexuality may define what we like sexually but it still does not warrant the love you feel for someone.

People should know that love and sex are not necessarily mutual to each other. Yes, the best is when both are combined together but you can still find happiness with the two existing separately.

On that note, I’ll put this to rest and share the link with that boy on WhatsApp​ now. Thanks for reading. Do share your feedbacks. ❤

Time Out – Movie review

I am surprised I’m doing this. Like seriously. I usually find it a waste of time to write any review about movies. For Hollywood movies, I feel, its just entertainment and it is not necessary that everyone will like the movie genres I like.

I prefer fantasy, magical world and such kind of movies. Its rare that I like any other movie. But I am doing this for the first time because I think it is important for people to watch such movies.

Time Out is a cute movie. Its one gay themed movie produced in India for which I can proudly say, “Hey! I watched that movie and its Indian film.”

Story is about two brothers and their bonds. Younger brother who idealizes his elder brother happens to find out that his brother is sleeping with another guy. How the younger brother goes through a sudden emotional turmoil as his ideal guy is someone he never expected.

The beauty of this film is, it did not try to explain the hows and whys of homosexuality. The movie ends in a situation where the younger brother does not say anything but goes up to his brother and hugs him.

It gives a message that sometimes its not necessary to find reasons or explain everything. All it requires is, just accept it and move on. You don’t need to understand because you may not understand everything. The more you’ll try to understand things, the more you will end up in a mess. So let things be and move on with it.

Comparing to other queer themed movies that are produced in India, this was, by far the best movie produced. I am not going to include low budget films made by budding artists in the comparison for now.

This movie gives a gist of the negativity against the community but still has a lot of positive feeling to it. And that is the best part of the movie. It has focused on positivity more.

Talking about technicalities, director has played it safe with the camera angels. I have came across quite a few queer film makers who love to experiment with the angels which ends up looking like unnecessary attempt. And because the director decided to use the traditional ways, the movie turned out to be exactly the way it should have been.

Dialogues were very much new age India which makes it feel more realistic and the youth can connect to it. The dialogue the main protagonist, the elder brother, delivers when his best friend comes to see him after he comes out to her, had a nice impact and makes so much sense. There was one funny dialogue which can easily get ignored where a member of the band shouts, “That was the best performance ever”, even though that was the first performance. But it goes unnoticed very easily because the audience is in the flow and feeling the joy of the kids.

Talking about the music, I loved all of them. The movie had sensible songs and I am thankful to the music director, lyricist, musicians and everyone associated with the music of it.

In all, I will recommend every youth and elder population to go and watch it. I can’t be any more happy to watch this film. The mere fact that I am compelled to write about it, is the proof of my happiness.

One more movie for which I am going to write a review is Sundar, in which my friend has acted.

Go watch both the films if you haven’t. Cheers.

You shameless western people!

“So as per the latest update, some of the shameless beings of our society are promoting public display of love and doing obscene things like kissing in public keeping our cultural values at stake. These people do not have any shame. They should rather go pee on the roadsides because that is much better than kissing in public. Of course, even for that, you must be a man. If you are a girl or a woman, you are wrong at every point anyway because hellooooooo… YOU ARE A WOMAN OKAYYYY????

What is this #KissOfLove nonsense? Bringing west to our culture. Such people I tell you. These people are shameless and have no self respect. They just want to adopt western culture. These people should leave India and go to USA. They are the slaves of such bad cultures.

Our Indian culture is soooo much better. If a guy will attend such protests, we will ask him to send his sisters and mothers to us. And if a girl attends such protest, it simply means that she is welcoming the rapists. Why should we even try to understand what was the aim of the protest? WHO CARES? Continue reading You shameless western people!

Love

Love is a beautiful emotion that makes you go blah blah blah…

Let’s face it. Its just another emotion that a person may or may not experience. Love is not something special. For every person, love may mean something different. For some, its a feeling that brings heart breaks in the end. For some, it maybe the beds of roses and unicorns and rainbows.

Continue reading Love

Smudged liner

I put on some liner around my eyes, got dressed up for a party, walked in alone. People came in. Everybody danced till their hearts were satisfied. I saw a guy. He was cute. I was not able to decide what to do.

I wanted to tell him how beautiful his eye were, how rosy his lips were. I wanted to tell him how different he was from the crowd. I wanted to tell him how his eyes have got me looking into those without a blink. Wish I had the courage to walk up to him and tell him that I wish to steal one kiss from him and find my solace. Wish I had the courage to tell him that I want to stay right here looking at him forever. Continue reading Smudged liner

Our culture you say?

I would like to apologise in advance for I am going to use some foul words as I am really furious right now. So much that I wish a few people could burn right in front of my eyes. And also if this hurts your religious sentiments, then let me tell you beforehand, I am a Hindu and a lover of Shiva and Krishna, most probably they were more advanced than the Colonial British values rushing in the bloods under the Indian skins of today, which unfortunately constitutes the majority of Indian population. And yeah I mean no offence but I am trying to put the facts in front of you with the least harsh words I can, after what I have faced today. Continue reading Our culture you say?

Come back

“Isn’t it hurting you as well? Can’t you feel the pain? You know how much I need you. Look into my eyes and tell me you don’t. You cannot look into my eyes. You are looking away. Just once, look into my eyes and tell me you don’t love me. Stop. Don’t leave me. Continue reading Come back