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A Rainbow In Thunderstorms Ch1


This is an autobiography. You have read my stories in bits and pieces. Some of you might have seen my video on YouTube. For some, I am an inspiration. For others, I’m a survivor. While for many, I’m no one. I am writing this autobiography for the people to probably understand, what does a person like me go through and hopefully pave a path for the coming generation to find peace easier than I did.

I had never thought that I will write an autobiography until today, when my friend, my punching bag, Krushal gave me the title for my autobiography. It was his belief that motivated me to begin this journal/autobiography. If you survive till the end of this and you actually enjoyed it, you should thank him to make me do this. And if you don’t like it, you know whom to hold accountable for this.

Chapter one: Father’s family history

My paternal family hails from Ranchi. It used to be a small township back in 70s. It became the capital city of Jharkhand in the year 2000 but before that, it was a part of Bihar. Naxals, dangals, etc were common under the rule of infamous politician, Lalu Prasad Yadav. Which is enough to say, back in those days, masculinity and femininity were very strongly defined.

My father once told me, long before he was even born, his father and grand father were purely non vegetarian. The two of them would finish a whole goat for the lunch. But something changed.

My grandfather also had a younger brother. When they were young men, my grandfather and his brother met our spiritual guru and learnt tantra meditation, after which they adopted satvik food. Just to give a little brief, according to ancient sanatan dharma, the food were classified into three categories and no, those weren’t veg, non veg and eggeatarian.

The food were classified as tamasik, rajasik and satvik. Tamasik was the food habit that included meat, onion, garlic, etc. The word tamasik comes from the Sanskrit word Tamas which means dark. Basically, tamasik food is something that can make a person lethargic and slow. Rajasik is the food habit that can generate too much of energy or heat which can be for good or bad. However, satvik food is supposed to be balanced and keep the internal organs and mind healthier for longer time.

Although, in tantra practice, there’s no restriction on one’s food but it is suggested to have satvik food in order to keep the body healthier. Also, our guru promoted the idea of adoption the food habit according to the climatic condition or vegetation growth. For example, you can’t ask a person to live on plants where the land is covered in snow throughout the year.

Ever since then, our family had been following vegetarianism. Till today, I cannot think of having non vegetarian food. But to me, it’s more of a personal choice than the spiritual one.

My grandfather got married to a Jain girl. She used to mention that she was lucky that my grandfather was vegetarian because she didn’t have to worry about changing her food habits except for a few things, like the use of potatoes, which is prohibited in Jain culture. Although, it was an arranged marriage but my grandfather and great grandfather were open to the idea of inter caste, religion or culture marriages.

My grand parents had seven children but one of them passed away in a very young age due to some flu. Out of the six, the eldest was a girl. Then came my father, the eldest amongst the sons, the ideal son of the house who was supposed to carry the family legacy further. After him, there were three more boys and then the youngest was also a girl.

As you know by now, my grandfather was ahead of his time. In the days, when people used to marry the girls in a very young age, my grandfather allowed all of his children to pursue their studies.

My grandfather was a banker and grandmother was a housewife. The elder aunt took teaching as her profession. My father, well, we’ll talk about him after everyone else. The first uncle became lawyer and started working at notary. Second one, well he didn’t do much. He kept trying to make money by doing some kind of business which I don’t even know if it ever worked. The third uncle got the job as a banker when my grandfather passed away and finally, my youngest aunt became a samnyasii (priestess). Quite a diverse family, isn’t it?

Coming back to my father, he completed his masters in mathematics and did diploma in computer when computers were a rare thing in India. He worked in railways as an engineer. Then he worked as a tutor. Later, he had taken franchisee of some pharmaceutical company. Then he also had repair shop for electrical items. When the franchisee didn’t continue, he converted the shop into a phone booth (yeah, mobiles weren’t there back then). Later, he became principal of a school but we will discuss all that in details later.

I still don’t know what was it that my grandfather’s younger brother used to do. What I do remember about him is, he was ordered by our guru not to get married as he was trained in the ways of Kapalik meditation. No, he was not asked to carry a skull and trident to go and beg but just the mediation method.

However, he fell in love with a beautiful woman and decided to marry her, disobeying the guru’s order. When our guru heard about his marriage, he refused to bless the newly wedded couple. He told my grandfather’s brother, they will never have any child. I don’t know if that was an order which my grandfather’s brother obeyed or if it was a curse that our guru gave for disobeying him or if our guru somehow knew that they cannot bear a child due to some medical reason, but the truth is undeniable, they never had any child.

We had two buildings in one lane in Ranchi where my grandfather and his children lived after all the children grew up and there was a farm house where my grandfather’s brother moved after he got married. In that farm house, he and his wife raised two fierce rottweiler, a few turtles in a small pool, fishes, rabbits, parrots, cows, hens and pigeons. They had one caretaker in that farm house and his family and those people and pets became their family.

Out of all the pets, I remember, my favorite one was a parrot. His name was mitthoo and the reason why I used to like him the most is because he used to talk, which was so extraordinary to have in real life. I had always seen such parrots in movies or read about them in some story.

Initially, vegetarianism was a family tradition for me but as we grew, I grew fond of those pets. It was like they were a family. Even if anyone used to die, I used to feel terrible. It used to feel like a friend or a family member passed away. It became difficult to even think of having them served on the dinner table.

True love

How bad your wound is? How deep is that scar on your soul? How much have you been broken down? Do you remember the time when you were all alone and no one to comfort you? Wasn’t that your loneliness who accompanied you when no one else did?

I started falling in love with my loneliness. It became like a habit to feel loneliness around me, even when there was a crowd around. I succumbed to it’s comfort, the comfort that ensured, no matter what happens to me, no one will even care, no one will be affected.

Oh that assurance, knowing you’ll not leave anyone in pain behind. That was so comforting that I gradually fell in love with that loneliness. I fell so hard that I stopped caring for who stays or who leaves me, creating a void around me, inside me, bigger and bigger with each passing day.

Like in every relationship, or should I say, in every toxic relationship, there comes a day when you can’t take it anymore and you decide to move on. I did that too. I surrounded myself with people whom I called… Sorry, not just called but considered them real friends. One by one, all the characters played their parts in my life and they kept moving on, leaving me behind. I guess I deserved it for I had abandoned one of my truest love, my loneliness.

Hi loneliness! We meet again. I knew that one day, I’ll come back to you. I’m sorry for even thinking that there could be someone who would comfort me like you did. I have learnt, all of them give false and temporary hopes and they are all futile. When a person loses all hopes, you are the one to stand by their side.

Everyone I came across while I was away from you, they all have gone far away. They all left for some or the other reason. And I’m here once again, alone, with you. I do not wish to lose you again. Stay with me and take me back. I’m ready for you. I know, no one else but you would accompany me in my last breath.

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday and I am not happy. Despite of getting 130 birthday wishes by now, all of them wishing me for a happy day, I am not. I was so excited for my birthday and I don’t even know why.

I thought it will be the day when the ones I love will remember me after a year. They will probably call or drop a text to me. Well, a lot of people did but there are a few whom I gave a part of my heart, haven’t. Maybe they will remember me later, maybe they will never wish me, I don’t know.

I also realized that I am turning old and I haven’t managed to find one person who will be there with me as my partner. I haven’t found anyone who can make me a human again, who can bring me back from this self destructive dead existence.

I have lived alone giving love and a family to those whom I love but that is just not enough I guess. It’s never enough. The only end result of my love is to watch them go with someone else.

Probably, I need to end this life and begin a new one completely fresh with new challenges and new life. I think I need to decide something soon.

Discrimination in renting

Are you earning enough to pay your rents on time? Are you paying your rents on time? Are you living without creating any nuisance and disturbance for your neighbors? Do you have no criminal background? 

Well, these are certain questions that one should be concerned about when giving a place on rent. But the sad part is, in Mumbai, a city of dreams, where one expects a little liberal society, the landlords, society, etc these people love to make this city of dreams a city of nightmare when it comes up renting out a place. 

In Malad West, near Atharva college, there is a society named Ashmita Jyoti. Two of my friends rented out a place on the second floor. When taking the place, the broker ensured them that as long as you people don’t create noise, it’s OK if your friends visit.

On my way to my home, their home comes first, so I drop by once in a while. We have food together, talk, watch movies together etc. We sometimes play music which is usually never audible outside the room. You’ll know it when you’ll come to this house. We have birthday parties or festival celebrations which is again a gathering of a few people and you can’t hear anything outside. I know it because everytime I go out to get cigarettes, the moment the door closes, the voices aren’t audible. 

However, the people of the society still ended up having problem. The landlord of my friends had seen me, the blonde haired guy and my other friend, a blonde dread lock haired guy at this house. After few weeks, landlord started calling my friends saying, society people are complaining that everyday you have friends coming in. When asked, if there is any noise or disturbance? There was no answer to it. 

My friends and we all decided that we will visit less frequently. We went to celebrate Diwali to their house. Well you don’t celebrate Diwali sitting in one place and not meeting your only family, your friends in the city, do you? Guess what! The next day, the complaint was, your friends have… WAIT FOR IT… “WEIRD HAIR“. Yes, my dear friends, people of Ashmita Jyoti have issues with what is your HAIRSTYLE. 

Me and these friends of mine went to Goa on first of November randomly and came back today and now this landlord called them saying, a girl visited your home yesterday and people are complaining that you all are gay.

Now people have problems with if your friends are coming home, if your friends have different hairstyle, if you’re gay, what you do within your four walls, which TV series you watch, how many teeth you have, how many RBCs does your body contain and probably they also have problem with what color of poop you excrete. 

This is just a clear sign of no matter if you want to have peaceful life or what, these homophobic people don’t want to see us in peace. They just need reasons to create disturbances. Not just us but these people have no good to do so they want to create the lives hell for everyone else who is not them. Religion, caste, food habit, sexuality, birth place, etc, they can make a complaint against you for anything. 

They may not have any proof of anything but still they will make complaint. Now my friend are being asked to leave and look for new house in couple of months but the question is, without doing anything wrong they now need to go through shifting again and not to forget brokerage is also a thing. 

It’s pathetic and horrible on societies and landlords like these. Not that anyone would care about it and the politicians have everything they need, why should they bother about “miniscule minorities”? 

Raveena and homophobic trolls… 

Well, those of you who know me, must have known that I love to backfire at all the homophobic and transphobic people. Because the way they diss others, they deserve the same. “You reap what you sow”.

So the gorgeous Raveena Tandon shared a beautiful gay marriage video on her twitter handle and all the brainless homophobic people are on their daily routine of dissing someone who supports homosexuality. 

India times shared an article with what people had to say and here’s a reply to all those whose comments were shared:

1.  @gyanend10106217, as your handle suggests, you are the end of gyan. Here’s a key word to add to your limited gyan: “CONSENT”. Cows and dogs do not get to give their consent to the marriage, yet, there are practices where people have to marry animals and plants. Two human beings, with their decision and CONSENT, marrying each other is NEVER going to be ANYWHERE close to marrying animals or plants. Stop your brainless comparison. Who’s next? 

2. @janamri333 two people loving each other and marrying each other to finally become a life partner is a beautiful thing. If your marriage is a failure, doesn’t mean that no marriage is beautiful. Next? 

3. @ask7k your traditions aren’t the only thing existing in this world. This country exists with several traditions which aren’t yours. If you find it nauseating, move on and watch some straight porn. No one asked you to watch the video. There are so many things that I find nauseating on internet, for example, your existence. But did I complaint till now? No, because I would prefer to move on from you now and I’ll be fine. Next? 

4. @SeeratSays isme achha kya hai (or at least that’s what she tried to say I guess). It means, what’s good in that, if any of you are English readers. Now SeeratHears there are two men who love each other more than your ex could have ever loved you and they are getting married. Ye achha hai. Got it? 

5. @vickybpcl2612 I would want to see your doctor’s degree in mental health and psychiatric degree please. Mental health or psychiatric problems are not determined by beliefs. Can I see the proof of your “scientific research”? If you cannot prove it, stop talking. Next? 

6. @varshasinghs you too falling trap of this illiteracy? Check the dictionary for the meaning of unnatural. Girl, your house is unnatural, your clothes are unnatural, your phone is unnatural, your existence is based on every unnatural thing possible but homosexuality exists not because some human had made homosexuality as a part of his experiment and viola, we have homosexuals and animals then learnt homosexuality from us. Homosexuality exists in nature on its own which makes it equally natural as your prideful rude and arrogant heterosexuality exists. 

7. PrashanthKP25 so did Mother Nature came on Earth in physical form to tell you, “Dear Prashanth! Homosexuality is against me”? How is homosexuality is against nature again? And if you don’t like to do anything against nature then I hope you are not using any automobile, electric device, soap, apartments, etc. Because all of it is against nature. Do you want me to tell you how or are you educated enough? 

Who’s next? I am in good mood to burst all your bubbles. Bring it on. 

This is where we began…

This is a trip to the historical India/Hindustan/Bharat. Have you ever wondered how did India get its several names? Where did the word Hindustan or India or Bharat come from? What exactly is Hindu? This trip to the ancient India will make you wonder about several things and may answer a few questions you might have had.

Long ago, there was a civilisation that was prospering near Sindhu river. That civilisation is popularly known as Indus civilisation. It had over 5 million population and over 1,056 cities, as found in 1999. Who were these people? They were Dravidians. I know, many of you must be thinking but aren’t they South Indians? 

The reason why they are said to be Dravidians is because the language and scriptures found in Indus civilisation is very much like of the modern South Indian languages. During this period, some Indo-Iranian had settled around them who were called Aryans. Now, Aryans were not a race but it was self-designation of being “noble”.

Aryans and Dravidians had cultural exchange where Aryans borrowed many words and cultural practices from Dravidians while Dravidians borrowed a few from the Aryans. Remember Shiva was a Dravidian and Gauri was an Aryan and their marriage had happened in Dravidian way. Their marriage has been glorified in our scriptures for that was the mark of first inter-caste marriage and the beginning of the first cultural exchange between the two.

Eventually, there was a draught in the Indus / Sindhu river which had forced the people of that civilisation to move eastwards. The Dravidians had eventually started ruling the lands which covered a big part of the Asia, from South India to Southeast Asia including Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia and Southern Thailand. Aryans took hold of the central India, Punjab, the land of give rivers and the lands that were evacuated by the Dravidians earlier.

When Dravidians were a part of Indus civilisation, the Persians used to call them Hindus. Now, Hindu was not actually a religion, it meant the people of Sindhu basin. Their pronunciation for “S” was “H” which actually was a silent alphabet, which is why Sindhu was called Indus. Hinduism is a term that came later on as a religion however that was supposed to mean the cultural practices of the people of Indus civilisation and the term Hindustan was given by Persians to the land and the cities of Indus civilisation. Hindustan was not a land of Hindu religion but a land around the Indus river.

The Europeans got to know about Indus civilisation through the Arabian countries and termed the people of the civilisation as Inde, which later became India, a civilisation developed on the basins of Indus river. Both Hindustan and India are foreign words for the land that was flourishing around the river.

Even though Aryans have had cultural trades with Dravidians and had borrowed a lot of things from Dravidians, still they were self-designated noble and considered Dravidians low in status. One of the perfect example is again from Shiva-Gauri marriage where Gauri’s father was displeased with daughter’s decision of marrying a Dravidian. When the Aryans told the stories of their marriages, they went to the extent of saying that Shiva was accompanied by ghosts and demons to his marriage, even though those were the people of Shiva’s tribe.

When Aryans were ruling the lands ranging from Punjab to Bengal, covering most of the northern India, the land was called Aryavrata which means land of Aryans. Aryavrata had seen the rise of a great emperor named Bharata, under whose rule, Aryavrata prospered and thus Aryavrata became Bharatvarsha, which means the land of king Bharata.

Now, throughout the ancient India, few things that I find worth noticing:

  1. Hindu was not a religion.
  2. Hindustan was not a land of people who followed Hinduism.
  3. Hindu, Hindustan, India are foreign terms for Dravidians and those who were settled in the Indus valley.
  4. The original Hindus were Dravidians and not Aryans.
  5. Aryans were self designated noble people who used to dislike Dravidians for they were darker and did not look like them.
  6. Aryans were so discriminatory that they went to the extent of calling Dravidians ghostly and demonic.
  7. King Bharata was one of the great kings in Aryavrata because of which the northern India was once known as Bharatvarsha.
  8. Oh, and did I mention Kauravas and Pandavas were from Bharata’s lineage which had led to Mahabharata, the biggest war in the land of King Bharata?

After knowing all of this, let’s come to a bit recent history of our country. When the nation was formed, all the rulers that were brought under the democratic rule under the name of Republic of India, their lands combined to form one big India / Hindustan / Bharat. The regions that were brought under this republic was one of the biggest republic union the world has seen because the lands occupied by those rulers were a big portion of Asia.

The history of ancient India shows us that there had been cultural differences, there had been discrimination, there had been rivalries however, at the same time, there had been cultural exchanges, trades, inter-caste/tribe marriages, the attempts to form a union between the two tribes.

Even though today, these two tribes have been united under the republic of India, we Aryans, still somewhere in our minds believe that we are above others, we still have that self designated feeling of being noble. The reason why North East and South India are still discriminated is because they all were Dravidians who did not have facial features or skin color like us and we, Aryans thought of them as Dasas.

One of our patriotic songs, “Saare jahan se achchha Hindustan humara” has a verse that says, “Muzhab nahi sikhata aapas me baer rakhna”, which means the religions don’t teach us to fight with each other. I find it interesting though why this line was included in the song. Here’s what I believe:

Throughout this blog, you must have noticed there’s no mention of any religious difference. The differences are based on looks, status, culture but not religion. Aryans were Indo-Iranians, Pakistan, Afghanistan, etc were all a part of Indus civilisation. Then why our patriotic song had to mention the religion? Where does this sudden surge of religious differences come from? Did I mention that there were Buddhists, Jains, etc used to live with the other religious groups with no conflicts on religious views in ancient India?

When British army invaded India, they had adopted Christianity and they were told to follow religious beliefs so much that if they don’t, their lands will be burnt by the Lord, while we were still enjoying our freedom and prospering. The British rulers noticed that India was enjoying all sorts of freedom and there was peaceful coexistence amongst various religious beliefs.

They started dividing the people on the basis of religion because there was nothing else to divide the country on. The moment the people started getting divided, it became easier for them to take over and rule and exploit us and our resources, eventually leading to our downfall. The peaceful coexistence was brought down to chaos that still hasn’t gone over.

Here’s one thing you can take back home from this history, and they say you learn your lessons from your past:

As long as we learn to accept each other with our differences, let each other be as long as no one interferes in your personal life or causes any harm to you and once again live a life with peaceful coexistence, we can prosper together as a nation much stronger, undivided, a home, an abode for weak and strong individuals as one like the good old days. But if we continue to fight like we are, we are going to go down like we have been since the time of British policy of divide and rule.

Let’s see how wise are you.

I hope you enjoyed this journey through the ancient Indian history.

Beginning Of The End – Chapter 1

His first date

He was in first semester and there was a girl in his class. Her name was Tisha. While Arif was more of an introvert, Tisha was just the opposite. She was bold, never giving up, ready to fight. However, just like other girls, she was in awe with Arif. And how can she not? After all, my boy was charming in every sense.

You know how​ college is! First semester kids are newbies so they are usually mix of shy, scared and inquisitive nature. Third semester boys think that they are the boss around because its their college after two semesters. And once they enter fifth semester, they are always in a rush to make sure they clear up their screw ups so they don’t end up in college for another year.

This was Arif’s fifth day in college and he was already popular amongst the girls, even the senior ones. Well that’s because on the first day, we had gone to his class for the “intro round” and he sang a song. Everyone was awestruck with his voice and the girls with us just couldn’t stop talking about him after that day.

That’s how I ended up knowing him. I love to sing as well, but in front of him, I was nothing more than a bathroom singer, though I believe I’m a good singer as well. I had won many competitions in inter-college competitions. I had approached him to be a part of our singing society of our college. I had hoped that one day, once I leave the college, he will be a good president for the singing society.

Coming back to his fifth day. There was some girl who was talking about Arif with her friends and her boyfriend got jealous. Arif had completed his lecture and was going to the cafeteria to have his meal when that boy and his friends gathered around him to bully him. Though Arif was not frightened for even a bit however, he was alone and they were a gang of eight boys.

Tisha and her friends were also on their way to cafeteria as well when she saw those boys ganging up on Arif. Being the bold girl that she was, she yelled at those boys from far. Loaded with all the abuses that we boys use most of the times, she charged on those boys while other girls got stunned.

Those boys couldn’t process what just happened. They thought some senior or professor saw them and they went running. I had just reached the spot with my girlfriend when those boys were running away. Tisha, still angry, was shouting on those boys. My girlfriend was quite happy to see such a volume in her voice as she was the head of street play society and she knew what a good volume is required for street plays. Yeah, we both found our gems just like that.

We approached them and Tisha and Arif (mostly Tisha to be honest) explained what had happened. Arif was still a bit shunned. Even though he stood his ground and did not run away like a poor little cat, yet, I could sense that something has happened because Arif’s face had gone pale as if someone said something which scared him a bit.

Next day, in the college, Arif realized he had not thanked Tisha for backing him last time. He went to her and asked her for a coffee date to thank her and Tisha gladly accepted it. I had thought that they will have a great time together. Well, what else would one expect if the guy is charming and a gentleman and the girl had been waiting for such an evening?

However, it was strange to see Arif and Tisha trying to avoid each other and I think I had seen Tisha crying alone as well. I couldn’t fathom what might have happened but I never dared to ask either for I didn’t want to interfere in their personal matter.

Beginning ​of The End – Introduction

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction however you may find yourself or someone you knew related to the story. This story is dedicated to all those untold stories that never found a voice.

I am Angad. I am a reporter. I come across several stories each day but today, I shiver as I begin to tell you this story. This story is about a friend of mine whose story may not mean anything to you but its important for you to know.

His name was Arif, a tall handsome boy with beautiful hazel eyes. His mother, Raziya was a doctor and his father, Mohammed Hassan was an architect. They were not the typical Muslim family that believed in orthodox. One can say, they were very liberal. But…

He was the only child to his parents, most beloved and pampered kid. He was special after all. Even after all that love and pampering, he was never like other rich brats. I had met him in college. He was my junior.

There was something about him that will make you like him but will also make you jealous. He was such a beautiful young boy with intelligent brains​ and amazing oration skills. He was polite, humble, helpful and a bit shy. He was, in short, every girl’s dream boy.

We became friends on the very first day of his college and in one year he became like a brother to me. In the free time, if you can’t ​find him anywhere, it meant​ he must be in the library. He used to love reading books. 

He was a great singer and girls of our college were head over heels for him. He had told me he never got a professional training in singing though he wanted to. Many boys were jealous of him because he was always surrounded​ by the girls.

… To be continued​.

Suicide awareness

Off late, there had been so many people who had been posting about suicide awareness, sharing that their doors are open for their friends, etc etc. Its really sweet of them to share it let people know that they are more than ​happy to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear out. However, here are some nasty truths about how it feels when you are being suicidal.

I got to admit, I have my days when I hit the rock bottom and feel like giving up on my life. I’m not proud of the things that I do to myself in those situations and I wish I could be like those who enjoy and laugh even​ in their toughest times. But I have different mind and different ways of reacting.

Many people, who know me, know that I go missing for days. Nowhere to be seen. A social butterfly suddenly becomes the rarest butterfly. Those are my days when I’m going through one or the other mental problem. What I do is hardly known to anyone.

This is how my general routine looks like:

I wake up, get ready, go to work, do my job, laugh along with colleagues, flirt with my crushes at work, come back home, have meal, smoke, sit in one corner of my room, keep checking every message but don’t reply, avoid meeting anyone, lay down, my tears keep falling, keep thinking about how terrible I am, not picking up anyone’s call. Apart from that, many things I do, which we all know are stupid. 

I try to do things that can make me focus on the physical pain instead of mental or emotional pain. I think of ways to end my life and then try not to do such things because I am living with bunch of strangers who should not be answering people about what or why did I do if I do something.

I do not feel like going out and meeting people. I’ll drink and smoke more than usual knowing that at least this is one poison that will kill me slowly. I become defensive towards my behavior by telling people that they know nothing so they shouldn’t tell me what should I do, if in case they figure out something’s wrong with me.

I try to distance myself from the people I love the most by picking up fights on random things just to make sure that they hate me enough so that if I die, they won’t cry. I try to cut my knots before I do anything to myself. 

Trust me, a person who has suicidal tendencies, are stubborn, stern and cold. They are rigid and know that their friends or anyone close to them will not like the idea that they want to die. They know how people will react. They know either people will back off and leave or else, they’ll try to sympathize or else they will try to reason with them why is it a bad idea.

That’s why, thank you for sharing your concern but I, in such a situation, knowing that your doors are open for me, will not come to you upfront to tell you, “Hey! I want to die.” Its not that easy. 

So, what you should do? Invite your friends randomly for drinks or dinner. Plan to meet your people and make sure you meet them and talk. That will help you to connect and understand if your friend is OK. Because no one will come to you directly when they are going through such s phase.