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Beginning Of The End – Chapter 1

His first date

He was in first semester and there was a girl in his class. Her name was Tisha. While Arif was more of an introvert, Tisha was just the opposite. She was bold, never giving up, ready to fight. However, just like other girls, she was in awe with Arif. And how can she not? After all, my boy was charming in every sense.

You know how​ college is! First semester kids are newbies so they are usually mix of shy, scared and inquisitive nature. Third semester boys think that they are the boss around because its their college after two semesters. And once they enter fifth semester, they are always in a rush to make sure they clear up their screw ups so they don’t end up in college for another year.

This was Arif’s fifth day in college and he was already popular amongst the girls, even the senior ones. Well that’s because on the first day, we had gone to his class for the “intro round” and he sang a song. Everyone was awestruck with his voice and the girls with us just couldn’t stop talking about him after that day.

That’s how I ended up knowing him. I love to sing as well, but in front of him, I was nothing more than a bathroom singer, though I believe I’m a good singer as well. I had won many competitions in inter-college competitions. I had approached him to be a part of our singing society of our college. I had hoped that one day, once I leave the college, he will be a good president for the singing society.

Coming back to his fifth day. There was some girl who was talking about Arif with her friends and her boyfriend got jealous. Arif had completed his lecture and was going to the cafeteria to have his meal when that boy and his friends gathered around him to bully him. Though Arif was not frightened for even a bit however, he was alone and they were a gang of eight boys.

Tisha and her friends were also on their way to cafeteria as well when she saw those boys ganging up on Arif. Being the bold girl that she was, she yelled at those boys from far. Loaded with all the abuses that we boys use most of the times, she charged on those boys while other girls got stunned.

Those boys couldn’t process what just happened. They thought some senior or professor saw them and they went running. I had just reached the spot with my girlfriend when those boys were running away. Tisha, still angry, was shouting on those boys. My girlfriend was quite happy to see such a volume in her voice as she was the head of street play society and she knew what a good volume is required for street plays. Yeah, we both found our gems just like that.

We approached them and Tisha and Arif (mostly Tisha to be honest) explained what had happened. Arif was still a bit shunned. Even though he stood his ground and did not run away like a poor little cat, yet, I could sense that something has happened because Arif’s face had gone pale as if someone said something which scared him a bit.

Next day, in the college, Arif realized he had not thanked Tisha for backing him last time. He went to her and asked her for a coffee date to thank her and Tisha gladly accepted it. I had thought that they will have a great time together. Well, what else would one expect if the guy is charming and a gentleman and the girl had been waiting for such an evening?

However, it was strange to see Arif and Tisha trying to avoid each other and I think I had seen Tisha crying alone as well. I couldn’t fathom what might have happened but I never dared to ask either for I didn’t want to interfere in their personal matter.

Beginning ​of The End – Introduction

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction however you may find yourself or someone you knew related to the story. This story is dedicated to all those untold stories that never found a voice.

I am Angad. I am a reporter. I come across several stories each day but today, I shiver as I begin to tell you this story. This story is about a friend of mine whose story may not mean anything to you but its important for you to know.

His name was Arif, a tall handsome boy with beautiful hazel eyes. His mother, Raziya was a doctor and his father, Mohammed Hassan was an architect. They were not the typical Muslim family that believed in orthodox. One can say, they were very liberal. But…

He was the only child to his parents, most beloved and pampered kid. He was special after all. Even after all that love and pampering, he was never like other rich brats. I had met him in college. He was my junior.

There was something about him that will make you like him but will also make you jealous. He was such a beautiful young boy with intelligent brains​ and amazing oration skills. He was polite, humble, helpful and a bit shy. He was, in short, every girl’s dream boy.

We became friends on the very first day of his college and in one year he became like a brother to me. In the free time, if you can’t ​find him anywhere, it meant​ he must be in the library. He used to love reading books. 

He was a great singer and girls of our college were head over heels for him. He had told me he never got a professional training in singing though he wanted to. Many boys were jealous of him because he was always surrounded​ by the girls.

… To be continued​.

Suicide awareness

Off late, there had been so many people who had been posting about suicide awareness, sharing that their doors are open for their friends, etc etc. Its really sweet of them to share it let people know that they are more than ​happy to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear out. However, here are some nasty truths about how it feels when you are being suicidal.

I got to admit, I have my days when I hit the rock bottom and feel like giving up on my life. I’m not proud of the things that I do to myself in those situations and I wish I could be like those who enjoy and laugh even​ in their toughest times. But I have different mind and different ways of reacting.

Many people, who know me, know that I go missing for days. Nowhere to be seen. A social butterfly suddenly becomes the rarest butterfly. Those are my days when I’m going through one or the other mental problem. What I do is hardly known to anyone.

This is how my general routine looks like:

I wake up, get ready, go to work, do my job, laugh along with colleagues, flirt with my crushes at work, come back home, have meal, smoke, sit in one corner of my room, keep checking every message but don’t reply, avoid meeting anyone, lay down, my tears keep falling, keep thinking about how terrible I am, not picking up anyone’s call. Apart from that, many things I do, which we all know are stupid. 

I try to do things that can make me focus on the physical pain instead of mental or emotional pain. I think of ways to end my life and then try not to do such things because I am living with bunch of strangers who should not be answering people about what or why did I do if I do something.

I do not feel like going out and meeting people. I’ll drink and smoke more than usual knowing that at least this is one poison that will kill me slowly. I become defensive towards my behavior by telling people that they know nothing so they shouldn’t tell me what should I do, if in case they figure out something’s wrong with me.

I try to distance myself from the people I love the most by picking up fights on random things just to make sure that they hate me enough so that if I die, they won’t cry. I try to cut my knots before I do anything to myself. 

Trust me, a person who has suicidal tendencies, are stubborn, stern and cold. They are rigid and know that their friends or anyone close to them will not like the idea that they want to die. They know how people will react. They know either people will back off and leave or else, they’ll try to sympathize or else they will try to reason with them why is it a bad idea.

That’s why, thank you for sharing your concern but I, in such a situation, knowing that your doors are open for me, will not come to you upfront to tell you, “Hey! I want to die.” Its not that easy. 

So, what you should do? Invite your friends randomly for drinks or dinner. Plan to meet your people and make sure you meet them and talk. That will help you to connect and understand if your friend is OK. Because no one will come to you directly when they are going through such s phase.

I wish…

I am 25 years old and I have seen so much in my life that I wish I had not. You must have heard “being gay is normal” several times but what no one tells you is, living life of a gay guy who does not fit in the boxes, in a world filled with homophobia, is not going to be a normal life.

Some times I don’t know if going through all the things that I have been through was worth it or not. But there are days when I convince myself that all of this would make sense one day. One day, all of this would be a just a nightmare. One day, someone will wake up and none of it will to be real for them.

When you have seen a trans person crying in the middle of the night after being sexually harassed, you would not like to trust in humanity. When you have sucked penis of a “straight guy” without consent, just to save a drunk girl from harassment, you won’t believe in straight people being straight.

When you have seen parents abandoning their children because of their sexuality, you would not like to trust on any relative. When you have seen friends turning against you, you would not be able to trust people easily. When you have seen your love moving on to a “better looking guy”, you would not like to believe in the concept of true love.

When you have seen the people of your community discriminating their own people, you would not like to believe that there is a community. When you have seen one community divided into several communities and you do not fit in those separated communities either, you would not like to accept anyone’s hand to accept you.

After seeing all of that, if you’ll see a few stories that are different from what you have seen personally, you can only feel happy for those people but those stories won’t bring back your faith. You will continue believing that those few stories are “exception”.

But the good side of all of that? You know what you don’t want for others. You learn to be humble and compassionate. But do you know what? It becomes more confusing because your experiences have made you heartless and yet you know how to spread love. You give love and respect to everyone as long as they deserve it, according to your ideas but you can’t accept the love from others.

I wish, when I wake up from this dream, this world will be a better and more accepting place. I wish…

Something stops me

Its been a long time that I have written something. I do apologize to all my readers. I was a bit too busy messing up my life. Today, I thought of writing but something is telling me don’t. Something is telling me, “What do you want to write about? Another painful story of how someone gave up on his life? Another sad story of how someone bled himself while the mosquitoes and flies bathed in his blood? People have had enough of those stories. Make up a fiction, give out a happy story to people to have hope, so that they can believe, so that they can love.”

Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a happy story today. I just can’t. For the first time, I’m going to publish this incomplete, small post because I want you all to know, I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

The Forgotten Reality

We are living in a funny world. People don’t really understand the meaning of love these days but they want to find happiness in the “feeling of love”. That’s the reason, these days when I see two people advertising their love, I can easily tell they are going to breakup soon.

I know I sound mean and negative but that’s my experience talking. I don’t mean to sound negative or rude but I have been there, done that. Love isn’t what people think it is these days, and by that I mean it isn’t as much about “oh he cares for me” as it is about “I can spend the rest of my life with this f*cker”.

Boys at the young ages, who are struggling between their books and their sexuality tend to be more vulnerable and feel left out. In such a situation, some guy would come and give them attention and they start feeling oh, this is the one. And the other guy starts thinking that this is the one for me.

First of all, to all the young boys in their teens, you guys need to focus on what’s important in your life. Your career, your education should hold priority. Enjoy your youth for it won’t last forever. Don’t give importance to relationships with some guy. You can spend time on that when you have earned a life of freedom.

You can’t step out of your house without answering hundreds of questions of your parents, you are certainly not ready for a boyfriend (unless its just a time pass). You have more important things in your life, find your goal and work on achieving it.

Now for the guys, who think that these young boys will be their boyfriend forever, these young boys are new birds. They are just learning to fly. Stop trying to bind them in the cage of love. That will only lead to the feeling of getting choked. You should rather encourage them to build up a great career and give them a freedom that they deserve.

Stop thinking that being in love means, “Did you eat something baby?” Or “What are you doing baby?” All the time. That’s not love. That’s just your attraction or infatuation that keeps you attracted to that person. And as a human, we love mysteries and puzzles, till they are solved.

Till the time, you both haven’t seen each other’s worst and still came out strong, you both aren’t in love. Till the time you both haven’t lived with each other enough to know each other’s smell, each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s dirty habits, you guys haven’t loved each other.

The reason why these so called relationships don’t last long anymore is because we are caught up in our own problems that we start thinking that I’ve found the love of my life when someone gives us a comfort. However, that’s not how love works.

We need to understand, its easy to fall in love but difficult to be in love. If you have even the slightest doubt, its not love. Learn about each other enough to claim that you love each other. By shouting at the top of your voice, “oh I love him so much” does not prove your love.

I hope that one day, people will learn that love is not just bed of roses, rainbows and unicorns. Its about taking responsibilities, honesty, care, affection AND sex. Yes, sex is also an integral part of love or relationship. Every human, who is not a celibate or asexual, has desires, physical needs. If they don’t get fulfilled and the person forces to hide their desires for long, they tend to fulfill them secretly. Which leads to cheating and further complications.

Till the time we are not open to take the responsibilities that come along with the love, we should refrain ourselves from the false commitments. Understand love in true sense before you start crying about how much you love someone. Maybe that’ll save you from a heartbreak and false hopes.

Existence of this is what’s wrong…

Couple of years ago, a human started bothering the members of LGBT community with his anti LGBT campaign under the veil of anti AIDS campaign. He used to make multiple profiles with several fake names and his own name to pester all the LGBT groups and individuals in India. 

You probably would be waiting to know his name but I refrain myself from using his name. You’ll see his name in the screenshots that are about to follow.

He, once challenged the whole Delhi LGBT community that he’ll come to Delhi pride and take everyone’s blood test and prove that “Every person of LGBT community has STD”, which apparently never happened. (Is it too early to call him coward?) Eventually, everyone realised that he is nothing more than a “barking dog seldom bite” and his existence became irrelevant to everyone of us.

His argument was, LGBT community is the prime reason for the STDs. To no one’s surprise, he does not even understand that the new cases of STDs are getting reduced every year, as per UNAIDS reports.

A screenshot of the UNAIDS report where it shows there has been more than 50% reduction
Guess what? This reduction in new cases has been marked after the LGBT community started getting recognized in the country. But no, this human from Punjab who used to mention “microbiologist” in his facebook profile does not understand that the way to prevent the increase in STD cases is to promote safe sex amongst LGBT community instead of pushing them back into the closet.

After couple of years, few days back, he challenged me that he will soon publish some book that will send the LGBT community back into the closet. He accepted the challenge saying, if he fails, he’ll make a video of him having sex with another man and he will become my slave.

He told me, he has been making his contacts and getting strong political support in order to send the LGBT community back into closet. Now from being a microbiologist, he became manifesto writer for BJP Punjab, a political party that believes in Hindu ideals (or so as I believe). I guess that’s what he meant to say.

But guess what? He is much more than just microbiologist and manifesto writer. He also found “hallucinative way of communicating”. Well hello there Einstein. (I don’t even know what does hallucinative way of communicating means.) Oh and by the way, if you guys were wondering whose forgiveness are we, LGBT community, seeking? It was of this guy. Unfortunately, luck is not in our favor. Sigh.

 Now, you guys might be wondering why am I so bothered about him? Its not like he can do anything really (which I completely agree to). However, the reason why I’m taking the time out to write this down is because the way he is behaving with my friends, specially girls.

He sent me a message after almost a year which I shared on my facebook wall. Here’s what he had sent:

Glory be to the demon whores, gays and gay world, 
You bloody dickhea*s, demon suc*ers, you poor souls,

There should have been hard punishment for pyscho sick people like you, harrish iyer, niladri chatterje, aditya bandopdyaa, you all people are gay demons, history can forgive , but not harit, the way u transforming and perverting innocents, will be the chief cause of your own deaths, you and your community , both are going to enter into the sea of fatal diseases, you people are voluptuous of highest order, you need nothing but hard sticks on your butts, your ass should be beaten 377 times, to teach you the lesson of Health and healthy behaviors, you people are going to change the foundation of society, i am going to gear up against you via my book on homosexuality and its consequences, see yourself after my book, you and bloody dauchebags, so called l,g,b,t would be on their knees 
Do away with homosexuality

A friend of mine, a girl had commented:

MORON SPOTTED. 😆 And yes, We ain’t douchebags. He is. But guess what, he doesn’t know the spelling himself.

And she shared a screenshot:

Now the word bastard, in an informal use, means an unpleasant or despicable person. However, that human took it as person born to unmarried parents. He went to her profile and sent her this, which she later sent me:

A human, who first sends abusive message, expects others to praise him I guess? That seems to be the only reason why he couldn’t see a girl calling him a bastard. What makes me write this blog is, he claims to write manifesto of BJP in Punjab for 2017.

I leave it to you all to decide what kind of people are working for our government and should these people, who abuse others, man or woman, be allowed anywhere near to the government bodies?

By the way, did I mention that he thinks V B Hariharan is Modi himself?

You have seen his name and you know how he behaves. Now rest is up to you, what you think. Share this, if you think that this man should learn to behave.

UPDATE: I sent emails to CPR India and Researcher India regarding his behavior and I’m waiting for their response.

However, when I told that guy about my email sent to the organisations he is associated with, this was his response.

Honestly, I don’t know how someone who abuses others first, expects people to give him respect and not abuse him on their friend’s facebook status and I really don’t know if he is actually associated to those organisations or is he still a preschool kid. 

I’ll update as and when there’s any development.

Why do I love you – story

He was sitting in the balcony of his flat on the 15th floor in a lush green locality with the moonlight reflecting through the water of the sea in a distance on a starry night. The coffee on the table had gone cold and the ash tray was filled with ashes and cigarette butts. 

He was still smoking the Marlboro lights, his favorite brand, when someone came and sat next to him. “You know its not good. You have already smoked 7 in last 2 hours. Don’t do this to yourself.”, that person said.

“Did it hurt you as well?”, the only question he thought of asking.

“You know I’ll speak what you think. I’m just a figment of your thoughts. So, yes. Letting you go was hard for me as well. I loved you. I still do. But you remember my last words? I asked you if you want to be with me. But you were too scared. I know you have never been loved completely and that’s why you were scared. We are all scared of something new. But your walls were too high. I tried my best to break down your walls.”

“Did you ever feel that I don’t love you? Was ‘I love you’ the only thing that could have told you how much I love you?”

“No, but I wanted to hear it from you. I tried to enter inside those walls and be with you but you kept pulling yourself away.”

“You know, I’m glad that you found someone who allowed you in after you left me. I wish I could just forget that I still love you.”

A voice interrupted from behind, “You see, that’s why I told you that your love has no value.”

He knew this voice. His head lowered and the tears drizzled over his black T-shirt which knew how to absorb and hide it from everyone else. That was one of the reasons why black was his favorite color.

The person sitting next to him vanished in thin air and the voice from behind continued. “You fall in love with people and you still love them. How could you do this? Did I not mean anything to you?”

He replied, “I wish I could show you what you mean to me. Everything I did for you was because I love you.”

“Hahahahaha. You just said I love you to him and now you’re saying you love me? You prove that love is just a word for you. Your ex at least knows the value of that word and I’m happy that I found a guy like him. At least, he does not go around saying I love you to everyone.”

“I’m glad. I can’t stop loving either of you.”

Another voice took over, “That’s why I was scared to be with you. I knew you will never be mine completely. You still love them and you being polyamorous, I felt insecure. I wish it was not this way. I had to find someone who can love me and take me out of my darkness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love again but the least I can do is keep that person happy who loves me and me alone.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the perfect lover. How I wish!”

Another person came and sat on his knees in front of him to hold his trembling hand and said, “You know I’m always going to be there for you. I am insecure as well to know that you may love someone else someday. But I’m not going to leave you.”

“I know you love me but you’ll leave as well once you’ll find someone to love you only.”

“You are just too scared and I hope one day, this will change.”, with those words, that person stood up and disappeared. 

Another person came from behind and caressed his hair. “Dave, you’re a beautiful person but you carry darkness within you. I loved you but I have my own darkness. We both need someone to take us to light. Your darkness would have added to mine. That’s why I had to ask you to leave. I’m sorry that I made you build your walls so high.”

“Its done. You already got someone I love. I hope you find the light. This is my life now. This is my darkness.”

“For the first time, I don’t know why, but your words have hurt me. But I know, this too shall pass.”

The caressing stopped and another figure appeared, standing near the railing of the balcony. “I admire you. You are like an inspiration for me. You make me believe that one day everything will be fine. How can you think of being with someone who is your inspiration?”

“You don’t have to justify yourself. I will learn to stop falling in love.”

All the voices came together now, “If that’s what you want, let us help you build your walls higher than before.”

That night, he went off to sleep only to wake up as an amorophobic person. His walls, higher than before. His emotions locked down in a dark corner. Maybe someday, someone will walk in, to try and bring him to light but who knows, if that will be another evil play or a real love.

I hope you liked it 🙂

A small survey…

Well… I recently made a questionnaire out of curiosity to see what people see or think when they want a partner in their lives.

Disclaimer: The results of this questionnaire does not determine or speak for everyone. In the end, not everyone is same.

However, I hope you guys will find the results interesting. 

So… In this survey, a total of 85 people participated and since I shared it in mostly LGBT groups where mostly gay guys are more active, most of the participants were gay…

Now, let’s first talk about the predominant gay people. Total of 58 gay guys participated. And its interesting that gay guys who identify themselves as top are lesser in the list of participants. It was an open questionnaire. So, this makes me wonder if tops are really shy because I don’t think there’s any lack of tops. Trust me, on the gay dating apps, I mostly find tops sending me messages.

I asked the tops, what do they want their partner to be and out of 9 people, majority does not care.

However, most of the bottoms are very specific it seems.

However, this doesn’t seem that surprising, coming from versatile gay guys.

Now, amongst these 58 guys, 50% of guys prefer masculine guys but not alpha men. Some don’t care the kind of guy as long as they are good people and there’s love and few want to have alpha male guys. 

Now, let’s speak about lesbians. I guess lesbians are either busy in their own lives, working for themselves or the society or they are too shy to participate. Only 4 girls participated who identify themselves as lesbians.

However, its amazing to see that these girls don’t care what their girl prefers in bed (as long as there is love, I believe).

However, what kind of girl they want as partner is something that seems to be determined by their personal preference in bed. This should give an insight.

Now, since straight, bisexual and pansexual can be either men, women or trans people, here’s the percentage break down of how many of them participated.

Now, out of these, we got as many bisexual and pansexual people as there are straight men who were interested in the survey. However, straight women seems to be more active on facebook than the rest.

Now, that says, 5 straight men and 7 straight women participated. However, most of them do not care if the person is masculine or feminine.

Now, few questions were common to all. First was, what is their preferred age group and it seems 21-30 is most preferred. 

PS the participants were between 19 to 50 years and most of them were between the age group of 19 to 30.

Next was, how many of them are monoamorous and how many are polyamorous. And undoubtedly, monoamorous holds majority with 60 out of 85.

When monoamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is polyamorous and they can’t change, their response was not surprising for me. 33 out of 60 said, they will leave their partner.

I guess, people still think that loving more than one means cheating on your partner who loves you only or maybe they want their partner to love them only. However, when polyamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is monoamorous, 22 out of 25 said they’ll adjust.

I guess, polyamorous people will mostly have to cut down on their love for others and shut their feelings out and they’ll be asked to choose any one. However, I honestly respect those 27 monoamorous people who believe they’ll try to adjust with the fact that their love loves someone else as well. I know its not easy.

Now, let’s take a look at what do they see first while choosing a partner.

Based on this, majority of people consider the nature of a person. The ones who selected other, wanted to select more than one option. However, there was one option that was answered in the other section and that was emotional independence. Now that was interesting. 

Some people asked me why do I not have multiple option for this. Honestly, I wanted people to respond to this based on what comes first in their mind instead of going by everything.

I also wanted to see if people would speak up for a random queer person if their partner passes a derogatory comment at someone for being different from others and I must say, this makes me happy to see that most of the people would try to make their partner realize that they are wrong.

Now, all of this does not conclude anything in specific but it is certainly interesting to see these responses. Now this final question was to see how these people themselves see a group which is treated as an outcast mostly, the hijras. And I’m glad to see that most of the people do not see them as an outcast but as any other human being who deserves same space as everyone else. Some of them also acknowledge that they are underprivileged which means they believe that hijras deserve more than what they currently have in the society.

I hope you guys find these results as interesting as it is for me. What do you think?