Why do I love you – story

He was sitting in the balcony of his flat on the 15th floor in a lush green locality with the moonlight reflecting through the water of the sea in a distance on a starry night. The coffee on the table had gone cold and the ash tray was filled with ashes and cigarette butts. 

He was still smoking the Marlboro lights, his favorite brand, when someone came and sat next to him. “You know its not good. You have already smoked 7 in last 2 hours. Don’t do this to yourself.”, that person said.

“Did it hurt you as well?”, the only question he thought of asking.

“You know I’ll speak what you think. I’m just a figment of your thoughts. So, yes. Letting you go was hard for me as well. I loved you. I still do. But you remember my last words? I asked you if you want to be with me. But you were too scared. I know you have never been loved completely and that’s why you were scared. We are all scared of something new. But your walls were too high. I tried my best to break down your walls.”

“Did you ever feel that I don’t love you? Was ‘I love you’ the only thing that could have told you how much I love you?”

“No, but I wanted to hear it from you. I tried to enter inside those walls and be with you but you kept pulling yourself away.”

“You know, I’m glad that you found someone who allowed you in after you left me. I wish I could just forget that I still love you.”

A voice interrupted from behind, “You see, that’s why I told you that your love has no value.”

He knew this voice. His head lowered and the tears drizzled over his black T-shirt which knew how to absorb and hide it from everyone else. That was one of the reasons why black was his favorite color.

The person sitting next to him vanished in thin air and the voice from behind continued. “You fall in love with people and you still love them. How could you do this? Did I not mean anything to you?”

He replied, “I wish I could show you what you mean to me. Everything I did for you was because I love you.”

“Hahahahaha. You just said I love you to him and now you’re saying you love me? You prove that love is just a word for you. Your ex at least knows the value of that word and I’m happy that I found a guy like him. At least, he does not go around saying I love you to everyone.”

“I’m glad. I can’t stop loving either of you.”

Another voice took over, “That’s why I was scared to be with you. I knew you will never be mine completely. You still love them and you being polyamorous, I felt insecure. I wish it was not this way. I had to find someone who can love me and take me out of my darkness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love again but the least I can do is keep that person happy who loves me and me alone.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the perfect lover. How I wish!”

Another person came and sat on his knees in front of him to hold his trembling hand and said, “You know I’m always going to be there for you. I am insecure as well to know that you may love someone else someday. But I’m not going to leave you.”

“I know you love me but you’ll leave as well once you’ll find someone to love you only.”

“You are just too scared and I hope one day, this will change.”, with those words, that person stood up and disappeared. 

Another person came from behind and caressed his hair. “Dave, you’re a beautiful person but you carry darkness within you. I loved you but I have my own darkness. We both need someone to take us to light. Your darkness would have added to mine. That’s why I had to ask you to leave. I’m sorry that I made you build your walls so high.”

“Its done. You already got someone I love. I hope you find the light. This is my life now. This is my darkness.”

“For the first time, I don’t know why, but your words have hurt me. But I know, this too shall pass.”

The caressing stopped and another figure appeared, standing near the railing of the balcony. “I admire you. You are like an inspiration for me. You make me believe that one day everything will be fine. How can you think of being with someone who is your inspiration?”

“You don’t have to justify yourself. I will learn to stop falling in love.”

All the voices came together now, “If that’s what you want, let us help you build your walls higher than before.”

That night, he went off to sleep only to wake up as an amorophobic person. His walls, higher than before. His emotions locked down in a dark corner. Maybe someday, someone will walk in, to try and bring him to light but who knows, if that will be another evil play or a real love.

I hope you liked it ūüôā

A small survey…

Well… I recently made a questionnaire out of curiosity to see what people see or think when they want a partner in their lives.

Disclaimer: The results of this questionnaire does not determine or speak for everyone. In the end, not everyone is same.

However, I hope you guys will find the results interesting. 

So… In this survey, a total of 85 people participated and since I shared it in mostly LGBT groups where mostly gay guys are more active, most of the participants were gay…

Now, let’s first talk about the predominant gay people. Total of 58 gay guys participated. And its interesting that gay guys who identify themselves as top are lesser in the list of participants. It was an open questionnaire. So, this makes me wonder if tops are really shy because I don’t think there’s any lack of tops. Trust me, on the gay dating apps, I mostly find tops sending me messages.

I asked the tops, what do they want their partner to be and out of 9 people, majority does not care.

However, most of the bottoms are very specific it seems.

However, this doesn’t seem that surprising, coming from versatile gay guys.

Now, amongst these 58 guys, 50% of guys prefer masculine guys but not alpha men. Some don’t care the kind of guy as long as they are good people and there’s love and few want to have alpha male guys. 

Now, let’s speak about lesbians. I guess lesbians are either busy in their own lives, working for themselves or the society or they are too shy to participate. Only 4 girls participated who identify themselves as lesbians.

However, its amazing to see that these girls don’t care what their girl prefers in bed (as long as there is love, I believe).

However, what kind of girl they want as partner is something that seems to be determined by their personal preference in bed. This should give an insight.

Now, since straight, bisexual and pansexual can be either men, women or trans people, here’s the percentage break down of how many of them participated.

Now, out of these, we got as many bisexual and pansexual people as there are straight men who were interested in the survey. However, straight women seems to be more active on facebook than the rest.

Now, that says, 5 straight men and 7 straight women participated. However, most of them do not care if the person is masculine or feminine.

Now, few questions were common to all. First was, what is their preferred age group and it seems 21-30 is most preferred. 

PS the participants were between 19 to 50 years and most of them were between the age group of 19 to 30.

Next was, how many of them are monoamorous and how many are polyamorous. And undoubtedly, monoamorous holds majority with 60 out of 85.

When monoamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is polyamorous and they can’t change, their response was not surprising for me. 33 out of 60 said, they will leave their partner.

I guess, people still think that loving more than one means cheating on your partner who loves you only or maybe they want their partner to love them only. However, when polyamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is monoamorous, 22 out of 25 said they’ll adjust.

I guess, polyamorous people will mostly have to cut down on their love for others and shut their feelings out and they’ll be asked to choose any one. However, I honestly respect those 27 monoamorous people who believe they’ll try to adjust with the fact that their love loves someone else as well. I know its not easy.

Now, let’s take a look at what do they see first while choosing a partner.

Based on this, majority of people consider the nature of a person. The ones who selected other, wanted to select more than one option. However, there was one option that was answered in the other section and that was emotional independence. Now that was interesting. 

Some people asked me why do I not have multiple option for this. Honestly, I wanted people to respond to this based on what comes first in their mind instead of going by everything.

I also wanted to see if people would speak up for a random queer person if their partner passes a derogatory comment at someone for being different from others and I must say, this makes me happy to see that most of the people would try to make their partner realize that they are wrong.

Now, all of this does not conclude anything in specific but it is certainly interesting to see these responses. Now this final question was to see how these people themselves see a group which is treated as an outcast mostly, the hijras. And I’m glad to see that most of the people do not see them as an outcast but as any other human being who deserves same space as everyone else. Some of them also acknowledge that they are underprivileged which means they believe that hijras deserve more than what they currently have in the society.

I hope you guys find these results as interesting as it is for me. What do you think?

Response to Major Gaurav Arya

Dear sir!

You belong to army I believe? First of all, I have a great respect for our indian army men. My uncle is lieutenant colonel in armed forces. I know, you people took up the most risky job of your lives. We, common people do not deserve as much respect as you do. Everyday of your lives are at risk.

Not long ago, when everyone was expecting a good night sleep, some terrorists killed 18 soldiers near the border. I have no words to express how I feel. Only thing I can think of is I want those terrorists to be dead. I want every last terrorist to be dead so that they do not breed any further. So that this world of hate and murders can be over.

But there are many people like me who think sending Pakistani artists back was not necessary. You said that makes you soldiers think why are you even fighting? Well I believe the war you are fighting is to achieve peace? I guess that’s what said as well, peace is the end result of war.

Anyone who wants peace, knows that there will be a war, a war against terrorism. We stand in solidarity with you in the war against terrorism. We appreciate our soldiers fighting it back for the peace. But are the artists of Pakistan terrorists? Fawad Khan, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan and many other Pakistani artists, who have worked with Bollywood, have considered India as their family, not once but time and again.

There are several Pakistani people who are a fan of Bollywood movies and actors. Do you consider every Pakistani a terrorist supporter? Do you believe every Pakistani is a terrorist? Do you think that only India has innocent civilians?

Why is it too difficult to believe that we stand with our army in the fight against terrorism? Just because we believe that every innocent lives, who wants peace, matter? Just because we appreciate and admire those Pakistani artists who consider India as their family, you and your soldiers think that we have lost respect for you and those who lost their lives?

Yes, its very easy for us to sit in our homes and talk about peace because we aren’t fighting at the borders but I have a question. Why did you choose Indian army when you could have been a 12th pass call center worker? Were you not aware of what responsibilities come along with that uniform? Did your soldiers sign up for this job to hear about whether people are boycotting peace loving Pakistani citizens or not? Or did you sign up for this job just because it secures your family future and pays you well? I’m asking this because my family wanted me to join army because I won’t have money issues and my family future will be secured.

If those were the reasons for joining Indian army, then I think you shouldn’t have been in the army in the first place. One must join army for 2 reasons, they are against terrorism and they are ready to fight for the safety of the nation. 

We mourn along with the families of the soldiers. Their deaths were uncalled for. But sending Pakistani artists back is neither going to help us achieve peace, nor it will bring back the lives of the departed souls. Your fight is against terrorism. It doesn’t matter if its from Pakistan, China or any other country.

There’s no pain of Fawad leaving India, its just a logical reasoning and debate. There were 20 Pakistani girls who came to India recently as a delegate to peace summit. Should they have been boycotted and sent back just because they are young girls from Pakistan who wants peace? Is having Pakistani citizenship a benchmark or a brand that confirms that the person is a terrorist?

Patriotism is good but we believe in “Vasudhaiv Kutumbakum”. We have respect for our army but that does not mean that we will support every senseless step that is not towards progression or betterment. 

We can keep on arguing about ban on Pakistani artists but honestly, let’s consider a situation where we manage to kill every last terrorist hiding in Pakistan. The only thing that it will lead to is another set of people in Pakistan who will remember how Indians misbehaved with the peace loving citizens of Pakistan.

You see what it will create? A new set of haters, a new set of terrorists. And this fight will never stop. We have a choice, either we spill our anger all at once and create more hate between the two nations and focus on short term peace or we hold on to whatever small amount of love and mutual respect we have achieved between the two countries and destroy the pertaining hate filled terrorists and aim at a long time peace.

Choice is yours. I leave the judgement upon you and every other citizen.

Thank you.

Enough is enough

WARNING: This is an angry and outraged post and what you are about to read is going to have a lot of cuss words. DO NOT continue and stop if you are too sensitive and biased towards India or Pakistan.


  1. Every time you see all capital letters I AM SHOUTING.
  2. Every time you see words within quotes, I am being sarcastic.
  3. Every time you see italicized words, I am trying to make an important point.
  4. Every time you see any of those combined, its a combination of above mentioned points.
  5. Normal texts are just rants.

So some terrorists attacked Uri and killed 18 Indian soldiers. It was such a heart breaking event. I feel so sorry for those families who lost their loved ones in that attack. I wish we could turn back the hands of time but there’s nothing more that I can do.

Now I would like to address those BLOODY TERRORISTS. Bloody SHIT HEADS, what the FUCK do you think you are going to get? “You’ll kill the soldiers and you’ll get Kashmir?” What the FUCK are you going to get? WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE? Be with you family, do some job, get educated and make something out of your FUCKING WORTHLESS LIVES? Do something productive maybe? Do something for HUMANITY you bloody MORONS. Why the fuck are you so much after a piece of land that has already been given to India AT THE TIME OF PARTITION? “Isn’t it like 70 years old matter? Can you bloody move on already?”

For FUCK’S SAKE, ALL OTHER COUNTRIES ARE DEVELOPING by focusing on technological and other advancements and you are STILL HOLDING ON TO THE GRUDGES that your GRAND PARENTS had. THE WORLD HAS CHANGED IN 70 YEARS but bloody fuck holes, WHEN WILL YOU CHANGE? Still ready to kill the innocents when you can be EARNING for your family and living a FUCKING HAPPY LOVING LIFE. Bloody fucktards, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU GAINED FROM THESE ATTACKS? 

Now I’d like to address the Pakistan government. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU THREATENING FOR NUCLEAR WAR? GO AHEAD, NUKE KASHMIR AND END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL. DESTROY EVERY FUCKING THING. You know what? “You’re right. Some terrorists killed our 18 soldiers and India blamed Pakistan in haste without proof. I mean the Pakistani markings on the food and granades were handcrafted by agitated people of Kashmir. We are fucking morons to blame Pakistan for no reason. I mean those terrorists had gone for a trip to Pakistan and bought some Pakistani granades for fun.” Considering that you can deny the OBVIOUS facts and proofs, I wonder if Indian army ACTUALLY never informed about surgical strike.

Now to my “amazingly patriotically blind” Indian friends. “Let’s fucking send ALL PAKISTANI ARTISTS (even the ones who were already in Pakistan) BACK to Pakistan. HELL YEAH! EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW. PEACE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED. WOOHOO!” Morons. NO. I DO NOT FUCKING SUPPORT TERRORIST ATTACKS. 

You want them to speak about Uri attack. But WHY? By REPETITIVELY asking Pakistani citizens to clarify their stance on terrorism is like asking them every time if they support terrorism. Its sounds as if HEY SAY YOU HATE TERRORISTS OR ELSE YOU ARE SUPPORTER OF TERRORISTS.


I won’t be surprised to know that you people FUCKING LOVE Donald Trump. Because you guys speak HIS words. SEND ALL THE NON USA CITIZENS BACK BECAUSE THEY ARE TAKING OUR MONEY. WE SHOULD GIVE THE JOBS TO OUR CITIZENS AND SEND THESE FOREIGNERS BACK. He should also take away all the US based multinational companies from India and take it back for his country.

DO NOT give me bullshit that India has not terrorized USA like Pakistan terrorized India. Trump’s point is valid as well. Many Indians are working in USA, taking away the job opportunities of USA citizens. Let’s do this. LET’S FUCKING DO THIS. DO NOT ALLOW ANY TRADE OR EXCHANGE OF ART BECAUSE TALENT SHOULD HAVE NO VALUE OVER BORDERS.



Sorry if any of you got offended but I’m seriously sick of whatever is going on.

Why are you gay? – Vlog

I come across a lot of people, homophobic or otherwise, who do not understand homosexuality. They come up with their own reasons behind how a person becomes gay. Maybe in order to calm down their curiosity and feel intelligent about themselves? I don’t know.

Here’s a vlog about some of the reasons I’ve come across. Its a sarcasm on those reasons and I hope people will understand that there is no specific reason of someone’s sexuality. Its there just like heterosexuality is there. You don’t have to justify a reason behind homosexuality. The only reason behind homosexuality is exactly similar to the reason why people become heterosexual, just that the opposite sex is replaced by same sex.

I hope you enjoy the video.

Vlog – Androgyny 101

I had written a blog about androgyny. However, not everyone reads right? So here’s a vlog about androgyny.

I hope you guys like it. Please like and share the video and subscribe to my channel to start tuned for more.

Also you can send me your suggestions about what you’d like me to talk about via email divyaroop.vfx@gmail.com.

Here’s the video.

Fanatics are going overboard

Recently Gujarat government, along with religious fanatics have filled lawsuit against a game this time РPokémon Go.

This sounds hilarious and at the same time stupid. Here’s what I have to say to those who find Pok√©mon Go against their religion.

Share your views. What do you think?

Vlog – “Polyamorous relations – loving more than one

I had come across a post about a person falling in love with two people and I felt the words echo my feelings as well. I have always been vocal about me being polyamorous, however, its really difficult for people to understand as how a person can love more than one person. 

Here’s the vlog. I hope you guys like it.

If you like my blog, I’m sure you’ll like my vlogs too. I’m planning to make vlogs as that seems to be more interactive for a lot of people.

Subscribe to my channel, give me thumbs up and share, if you feel like. 

My BFF, My family

I know I am a bit late to wish you and I am sorry. My sweetest, dearest, most idiot love of all times, Ameekar, my bff, you have proved, time and again what does it mean to be best friends forever.

We have held each other up during our bad times. We were broken ourselves but won’t allow each other to break down by holding ourselves up. You never gave up on me and you always count on me. Nothing can take you away from me.

I don’t know what relationship do we share because bff is also a very small term for the love and relation we share at our hearts, and you know it. You are more than just a friend, you are more than a brother, you are more than bff.

You gave me shelter when I was homeless, you stood by me when I was broken. I don’t know how you did it and why you did it. How did we become so close is still a mystery to me. I still don’t remember how did we become so close from being a stranger to caring for each other more than others. Remind me if you can remember?

But the main point is, I know I will never be alone as long as I have you in life. I will always have a cry baby who will keep coming back to me and I will always keep coming back to you. I’m sorry that we are far apart and I miss you everyday still I can’t move back and I keep failing in keeping my promise of visiting soon but trust me, if it would have been so easy, I would have given up everything to be with you.

I know you trust me, so just trust me on this. I have reasons that I can’t explain but I am always there. You know I love you more than anything. You know a piece of my heart lives in you. I love you. 

You are my cute, sexy, sassy, hottie chooda and I love you to the end of the universe and back and then 4 times the same trip or even more. Happy birthday (belated) my love. I know you will make it big.

Religions are man made

There has been so much of religious debate going on after media started asking for ban on Zakir Naik for spreading hate and supporting terrorism. Here’s the thing, I don’t see what good it will do instead of creating more intolerance, which has already started. Zakir Naik is preaching Quran or what he perceives from Quran. I do not support his views but I don’t think putting a ban on him is any good idea.

But here’s something, you get what you give. You call me a sinner, I call you hateful blind bigoted follower. Your religious sentiments get hurt because I think your religion has taught you hate? My spiritual sentiment also gets hurt when you call me sinner even though I’m fighting to save humanity amongst humans and mind you, I’m doing that every single day unlike you, all you so called religious people, who come preaching your ideologies only when you find it convenient. 

If God above would really want you to do something to please him, it will be to bring humanity back to humans, not preaching others how your religion is superior. Guess what has led to several wars in the world? Religious differences. 

There’s only one God and if He’s really there, He will never want or rather would have created so many religions across the world. If He wanted everyone to follow Him, He would have kept one religion across the world. (Please try using your brain for logic instead of getting hyper thinking I’m here to hurt your religious sentiments).

Moving on, if He is one, then where did these several religions come from? Why did God allow several religions to be created in the first place? Doesn’t that make you feel even a bit that it maybe the work of humans to control a set of humans and follow their ideologies by telling that others are hollow and showing them the weak points of the other religions? And how did religion end up having a weak points if those have been given by God himself? Was God not aware of the weak points? If He was not, then was God flawed? If He was, was He God or a human?

I was watching Zakir’s video where a man asks him what should a person do if his child converts to another religion? Zakir gave a response quoting Quran about Noah’s ark where Noah’s son was not saved by the God even though Noah had prayed to the Lord to save him just because he left Islam. He tells, Lord said, only Islam is the true religion and if your son leaves Islam, he is no longer your son (in faith).

Here’s a funny thing I had been thinking about. When did this Noah’s ark incident has actually happened? Was it before the creation of humanity or was it after? If it was before the creation of humanity, then shouldn’t Islam have existed from the very beginning of the creation? Shouldn’t Islam be the first ever religion that came into existence if Lord didn’t save no Noah’s son for leaving Islam? Why do we hear about Islam coming into existence since 610AD while many other religions have existed much before that?

Let’s consider the part where the incident had happened after the existence of humanity. If that was the case, then how come other religions still existed while the only humans who were saved were Muslims or the ones who followed Islam? Shouldn’t all other religions have been wiped out? 

(Again I’m not trying to pick up on Islam alone because similar stories are told in other Abrahamic religions as well and my intent is to make people use brain and logic behind everything. I am not asking for anyone to convert because you live in a free world and I believe in mutual coexistence. After all, religions are supposed to bring you closer to other humans and not create differences, if they are actually based on giving humans a spiritual experience and ecstacy.)

Ask yourself a question, do you think your religion is the best? What’s the reason? Zakir Naik says, Islam has strict laws against crimes but no other religion does. Let me tell you, in Hinduism, no one, not even women were told how to have “decency” by telling them what they should wear. The only thing that was there was no one should hurt or harm others and without consent of the other, you were not allowed to get even closer or dishonor their dignity (I’m not promoting Hinduism but I know Hinduism as I was born Hindu and I have read many scriptures.)

Here’s an example that was set by Krishna to show what can happen if you dishonor women. In Mahabharata, the whole of Kaurava clan was killed, not just for dishonoring a woman but also for being a part of that shameless act. It was to show what happens when you dishonor or be a part or be a silent spectator of such an act.

Zakir Naik says, when Islam says a rapist should get death penalty, everyone calls them barbaric but if you ask non Muslim people what they think is the right punishment if their women go through it, they all want rapists to be dead. Then they forget they are being barbaric. Let me remind you of what everyone in the country demanded for the rapists of Nirbhaya incident. Everyone asked those men to have death penalty or even worse.

We all are humans and only we can think of death penalty for such crimes because it boils our blood. The laws that have been laid down in any of the religious books have been written down by humans because this is what all humans feel is justified for such heinous crime. If there is one God, then there exists one religion and Islam is not the one. (Here’s a hint about what should be the only religion, humanity.) Its existence came in the world in recent history. Most of the religions have existed even before Islam came in.

Neither previous religions have had any such adverse or bad effect on the society, nor Islam had miraculous effect on humans after it came into existence. Humans used to live  happily earlier as well, they live happily still as well, with or without any religion. There were crimes and punishments earlier as well, there are crimes and punishments today as well, be it religiously guided punishments or not.

The only thing that has happened with such religious differences are wars and deaths of several innocents because two religious fundamentalists just don’t want to accept the fact that, without following each other’s religions, they can still live a blessed life and want to push each other’s religion on others as a better religion. The God above will not fight with himself that my Islam is better or my Christianity is better or my Hinduism is better or any other religion is better. It is us, humans, fundamentalists, who just can’t keep our religion to ourselves and wish to push down our religion as the best on others.

If religion has existed, it is because humans found things lacking in other religions and wanted to make a better life for others so they came up with their “better version” of other religion. That is why, you’ll see all religions overlap at various points. They are all derived or inspired from others to create a better version for humans but every religion ended up lacking one thing, allow every human to live peacefully as they want. And you know the reason why? Because everyone wants to control more humans and follow their religion because they think this is best while that may or may not be the case.

With that, I put my pen down. I believe in mutually coexisting peacefully and with happiness. I believe in enjoying the diversity. I am 23 and no religion has guided me to become this wise. I learnt it from life. Trust me, you won’t need religion to guide you if you just use your brain to understand where you should stop yourself and what is good for you and not bad for others.

Thanks for reading.