I am 25 years old and I have seen so much in my life that I wish I had not. You must have heard “being gay is normal” several times but what no one tells you is, living life of a gay guy who does not fit in the boxes, in a world filled with homophobia, is not going to be a normal life.
Some times I don’t know if going through all the things that I have been through was worth it or not. But there are days when I convince myself that all of this would make sense one day. One day, all of this would be a just a nightmare. One day, someone will wake up and none of it will to be real for them.
When you have seen a trans person crying in the middle of the night after being sexually harassed, you would not like to trust in humanity. When you have sucked penis of a “straight guy” without consent, just to save a drunk girl from harassment, you won’t believe in straight people being straight.
When you have seen parents abandoning their children because of their sexuality, you would not like to trust on any relative. When you have seen friends turning against you, you would not be able to trust people easily. When you have seen your love moving on to a “better looking guy”, you would not like to believe in the concept of true love.
When you have seen the people of your community discriminating their own people, you would not like to believe that there is a community. When you have seen one community divided into several communities and you do not fit in those separated communities either, you would not like to accept anyone’s hand to accept you.
After seeing all of that, if you’ll see a few stories that are different from what you have seen personally, you can only feel happy for those people but those stories won’t bring back your faith. You will continue believing that those few stories are “exception”.
But the good side of all of that? You know what you don’t want for others. You learn to be humble and compassionate. But do you know what? It becomes more confusing because your experiences have made you heartless and yet you know how to spread love. You give love and respect to everyone as long as they deserve it, according to your ideas but you can’t accept the love from others.
I wish, when I wake up from this dream, this world will be a better and more accepting place. I wish…