Tag Archives: friends

The one I always Harass

OK! I know the title sounds like I am some criminal but let me assure you, it’s not what it looks like. This post is about someone who never gives up on me and how, from a college junior, he became an unsung savior of my life.

Meet my skinny skeletal savior, Saif Haider aka Saifuddin Siddiquie, as I named him. (OK I’m NOT body shaming him. I’m skinny too. Also, my auto correct keeps changing his last name to “Harder”. I wonder why…)

Now, look at that face and tell me if he isn’t cute AF. (A little secret: it’s just filters).

We met in my college. He was a newbie and I was in the third semester of my college if I’m not mistaken. You know how the college seniors are. They get fresh meat every year till they pass out (I don’t mean drunk and how) and they pick random kids and take their intro rounds.

This one was our special pick, timid, skinny and bossy amongst all the newbies. Well, I later realized that he wasn’t being bossy. Rather everyone loves him almost immediately after meeting him.

He’s helping, kind, charming and stupid too. I loved him for being stupid. I always love twinks who are little stupid. But then he was from the same subject as mine, which was computer science. Girls and gurls, if you don’t know what does that mean, let me tell you. All you need to know is, a person in that course usually has an analytical mind, unless they are just a victim of what parents asked them to do. So that makes him a stupid intelligent person… Is that oxymoron? Is that even possible? I don’t know.

Whether it’s possible or not, I liked this guy from the very first day. Eventually, I got to know, he’s from “My Hometown” *singing in Adele’s voice*. (Did you guys do that too? I’m sure you did if you know the song.) That became a thing. Me, Ameekar (I don’t know if you guys have been following me everywhere but you must know, that’s one of my BFF and my family as well), his younger brother Nishikar and Said. The four of us from the same ancestral place. We bonded over that and our course and eventually became very close friends.

Before he entered the college, my college knew about my sexuality. With Saif I don’t think I ever had to come out to him (Saif correct me if I’m wrong). He knew and he never said anything offensive or against me. Rather he loved me, like a family.

You know how life sometimes plays a game so that you can weed out the unwanted toxins from your friend/social circle? Something similar happened to me back then. I didn’t have a home or anything. This boy gave me a shelter and would come every once in a while to check back on me. He took care of me when there was no one and he still does.

He’ll do everything to make things work and sort out EVERY possible things that he can and will go beyond. I never understood why but I at least know there are people like him, maybe only a few but someone you can always count on. I have been such an awful friend to everyone all my life and I swear to God, it’s not even funny. I never call anyone, I don’t remember to text people for months. But this boy always gets back to me.

I think, I’ve always contacted him whenever I was in a need of something and he always gets it done, unless it’s beyond his control as well. I come across as such a mean person who just talks to people when he needs help but then as a child, we were trained to use the phone only when there’s an emergency so that you reach out to people. I guess, every since childhood, I never liked having a conversation over the phone.

I know many people who have a complaint regarding this attitude and there are people who actually won’t be bothered now if I call them. But this boy, he never complained about it. Rather, he is exactly how he was 3 years ago.

I have slapped him (non violent slaps/friendly slaps) so many times. I beat him every time I meet him. That’s how I express my love to someone I dearly care about. If I can be comfortable enough to physically hit you, it means I know you belong to me and I will always love you and care for you. It’s weird I know. Shut up.

I really don’t know what good have I done to deserve this person in my life, but this boy has been a savior and he proves that you don’t have to have a pumped up body to save someone and you don’t need to have everything to be there for the ones you love.

PS He’s not gay. All you perverts, back off. He’s mine.

Suicide awareness

Off late, there had been so many people who had been posting about suicide awareness, sharing that their doors are open for their friends, etc etc. Its really sweet of them to share it let people know that they are more than ​happy to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear out. However, here are some nasty truths about how it feels when you are being suicidal.

I got to admit, I have my days when I hit the rock bottom and feel like giving up on my life. I’m not proud of the things that I do to myself in those situations and I wish I could be like those who enjoy and laugh even​ in their toughest times. But I have different mind and different ways of reacting.

Many people, who know me, know that I go missing for days. Nowhere to be seen. A social butterfly suddenly becomes the rarest butterfly. Those are my days when I’m going through one or the other mental problem. What I do is hardly known to anyone.

This is how my general routine looks like:

I wake up, get ready, go to work, do my job, laugh along with colleagues, flirt with my crushes at work, come back home, have meal, smoke, sit in one corner of my room, keep checking every message but don’t reply, avoid meeting anyone, lay down, my tears keep falling, keep thinking about how terrible I am, not picking up anyone’s call. Apart from that, many things I do, which we all know are stupid. 

I try to do things that can make me focus on the physical pain instead of mental or emotional pain. I think of ways to end my life and then try not to do such things because I am living with bunch of strangers who should not be answering people about what or why did I do if I do something.

I do not feel like going out and meeting people. I’ll drink and smoke more than usual knowing that at least this is one poison that will kill me slowly. I become defensive towards my behavior by telling people that they know nothing so they shouldn’t tell me what should I do, if in case they figure out something’s wrong with me.

I try to distance myself from the people I love the most by picking up fights on random things just to make sure that they hate me enough so that if I die, they won’t cry. I try to cut my knots before I do anything to myself. 

Trust me, a person who has suicidal tendencies, are stubborn, stern and cold. They are rigid and know that their friends or anyone close to them will not like the idea that they want to die. They know how people will react. They know either people will back off and leave or else, they’ll try to sympathize or else they will try to reason with them why is it a bad idea.

That’s why, thank you for sharing your concern but I, in such a situation, knowing that your doors are open for me, will not come to you upfront to tell you, “Hey! I want to die.” Its not that easy. 

So, what you should do? Invite your friends randomly for drinks or dinner. Plan to meet your people and make sure you meet them and talk. That will help you to connect and understand if your friend is OK. Because no one will come to you directly when they are going through such s phase.

An open letter to our Prime Minister

To

Mr. Narendra Modi,

I am DivyaRoop, a citizen of India. I was born in Ranchi, Jharkhand. My parents are not rich people so I don’t have ways to reach you. Hence, I am writing this to you to seek the answers to the questions that haunt me day in and day out. Continue reading An open letter to our Prime Minister

I am free

We all live our lives. And the truth is, we all want to live happily. No one wants to live a life where you do not have the freedom to be who you really are.

I know many will feel outraged after reading my next few lines. So if you do, my humble apologies. It’s just an example. Continue reading I am free

What I can never understand…

I do not understand hate at all. I mean personal grudges or rivalries are fine because someone stole your girlfriend or harmed your loved ones in anyway or bought a better phone than yours are like personal reasons to envy someone or hate them but the hate for a whole community is something I can never understand.

One religious cult hates another one and kills the people who follow it or one region hates the other region and bombs it are the things I can never understand. And a kind of hate to which I am personally associated is hate towards sexuality other than heterosexuality. In this post, I am going to talk about the hate for alternate sexuality. Continue reading What I can never understand…

I am happy

I don’t know why or how or when or who did this to me. I don’t know if this will last forever or will this even stay for a few days. You know what? I don’t really care for future. I don’t really want to think about it. I just know that I got a smile after a long time on my face. It came to me out of of contentment, out of satisfaction that I will do something and make my life better in any which way. Continue reading I am happy

Last Tears

Is it worth crying? What will you get? Any solution? No. No, it never solved anything. Yet you cry; cry your heart out. It helps your heart feel less burdened. You see things. You see them clearly. You see where you are. You notice. You notice every details. You notice the unseen. You see beyond what your eyes can see. Continue reading Last Tears

Which path to go?

One thing my family always taught me is honesty. Even though I rarely lie but I lied to my own family about my sexuality for a long time. Maybe because I wasn’t sure or maybe because I was in denial. But as soon as I learned to live with my own self, my family got to know about my inclinations. Continue reading Which path to go?