Tag Archives: love

In Love With A Straight Boy

I remember the first time he sent me friend’s request on Facebook. He was mutual friend of my college friend because they stayed in same locality. But his reason to send me request was not because he saw me as a mutual friend with someone he knew, like most of the kids do, but because he had seen me at Delhi Comic Con participating in cosplay.

My first question to him was, do you have any of our pics together? I was looking out for my pictures in the cosplay, I’m sorry. To my disappointment, he did not take any picture with me (I hate you for that BTW. I’m going to make you read this and you will know this is for you assh*le).

Anyway, I still let him be in my friends list even after such a disappointment. I’m such a kind person you see. Just kidding. I liked him actually because he was such a cute kid. Completely stupid, but cute. Plus point was, he has DOGS. And who does not love dogs and cute dog lovers? 

We never met after that. We exchanged numbers. Started talking over WhatsApp, which was on and off (mostly off because that b*tch is too pricy. *Insert a straight face emoticon here*). However, he was too cute to resist flirting with him and he knew my sexuality because… Well I’m like the rainbow unicorn farting rainbow gas and shitting rainbow all over my Facebook.

He was unlike many of those macho men who get offended or react to a man flirting with them. He knew my appreciation towards him was and is genuine. He started talking to me more comfortably. He would come to me with most silly questions.

He would come and tell me about his hookups with girls and ask me about his silly notions about STDs and sex and even about his concerns related to his genitals. He trusted me and he still does. He’ll cry alone and not tell anyone but he will talk to me. I’ll try to comfort him. 

In knowing that he trusts me and knowing that he does love me, I fell in love with him. I know we can’t be together and I do not wish to cause him any trouble for my happiness. But there is a love that we share which is between us despite of our sexualities. This love is beyond sexual desires, beyond brotherly love, beyond friendly love.

He knows that I want to cuddle with him, play with his hair throughout the night, hold him to sleep, protect and fight for him with anyone and anything and he loves me because he knows that my love for him is not going to change. He knows he can count on me and in return, I know, even though he hardly replies or shows his face, he is the one person I can count on for the love that is eternal.

Having said that, I know it in my head that he won’t be mine, so I know I’ll love him till the end but I can’t hold on to him. I know there’s someone out there who will be mine and I will not love him any less however, the reason why I wanted to write about my straight love is because people should know, sexuality may define what we like sexually but it still does not warrant the love you feel for someone.

People should know that love and sex are not necessarily mutual to each other. Yes, the best is when both are combined together but you can still find happiness with the two existing separately.

On that note, I’ll put this to rest and share the link with that boy on WhatsApp​ now. Thanks for reading. Do share your feedbacks. ❤

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I wish…

I am 25 years old and I have seen so much in my life that I wish I had not. You must have heard “being gay is normal” several times but what no one tells you is, living life of a gay guy who does not fit in the boxes, in a world filled with homophobia, is not going to be a normal life.

Some times I don’t know if going through all the things that I have been through was worth it or not. But there are days when I convince myself that all of this would make sense one day. One day, all of this would be a just a nightmare. One day, someone will wake up and none of it will to be real for them.

When you have seen a trans person crying in the middle of the night after being sexually harassed, you would not like to trust in humanity. When you have sucked penis of a “straight guy” without consent, just to save a drunk girl from harassment, you won’t believe in straight people being straight.

When you have seen parents abandoning their children because of their sexuality, you would not like to trust on any relative. When you have seen friends turning against you, you would not be able to trust people easily. When you have seen your love moving on to a “better looking guy”, you would not like to believe in the concept of true love.

When you have seen the people of your community discriminating their own people, you would not like to believe that there is a community. When you have seen one community divided into several communities and you do not fit in those separated communities either, you would not like to accept anyone’s hand to accept you.

After seeing all of that, if you’ll see a few stories that are different from what you have seen personally, you can only feel happy for those people but those stories won’t bring back your faith. You will continue believing that those few stories are “exception”.

But the good side of all of that? You know what you don’t want for others. You learn to be humble and compassionate. But do you know what? It becomes more confusing because your experiences have made you heartless and yet you know how to spread love. You give love and respect to everyone as long as they deserve it, according to your ideas but you can’t accept the love from others.

I wish, when I wake up from this dream, this world will be a better and more accepting place. I wish…

The Forgotten Reality

We are living in a funny world. People don’t really understand the meaning of love these days but they want to find happiness in the “feeling of love”. That’s the reason, these days when I see two people advertising their love, I can easily tell they are going to breakup soon.

I know I sound mean and negative but that’s my experience talking. I don’t mean to sound negative or rude but I have been there, done that. Love isn’t what people think it is these days, and by that I mean it isn’t as much about “oh he cares for me” as it is about “I can spend the rest of my life with this f*cker”.

Boys at the young ages, who are struggling between their books and their sexuality tend to be more vulnerable and feel left out. In such a situation, some guy would come and give them attention and they start feeling oh, this is the one. And the other guy starts thinking that this is the one for me.

First of all, to all the young boys in their teens, you guys need to focus on what’s important in your life. Your career, your education should hold priority. Enjoy your youth for it won’t last forever. Don’t give importance to relationships with some guy. You can spend time on that when you have earned a life of freedom.

You can’t step out of your house without answering hundreds of questions of your parents, you are certainly not ready for a boyfriend (unless its just a time pass). You have more important things in your life, find your goal and work on achieving it.

Now for the guys, who think that these young boys will be their boyfriend forever, these young boys are new birds. They are just learning to fly. Stop trying to bind them in the cage of love. That will only lead to the feeling of getting choked. You should rather encourage them to build up a great career and give them a freedom that they deserve.

Stop thinking that being in love means, “Did you eat something baby?” Or “What are you doing baby?” All the time. That’s not love. That’s just your attraction or infatuation that keeps you attracted to that person. And as a human, we love mysteries and puzzles, till they are solved.

Till the time, you both haven’t seen each other’s worst and still came out strong, you both aren’t in love. Till the time you both haven’t lived with each other enough to know each other’s smell, each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s dirty habits, you guys haven’t loved each other.

The reason why these so called relationships don’t last long anymore is because we are caught up in our own problems that we start thinking that I’ve found the love of my life when someone gives us a comfort. However, that’s not how love works.

We need to understand, its easy to fall in love but difficult to be in love. If you have even the slightest doubt, its not love. Learn about each other enough to claim that you love each other. By shouting at the top of your voice, “oh I love him so much” does not prove your love.

I hope that one day, people will learn that love is not just bed of roses, rainbows and unicorns. Its about taking responsibilities, honesty, care, affection AND sex. Yes, sex is also an integral part of love or relationship. Every human, who is not a celibate or asexual, has desires, physical needs. If they don’t get fulfilled and the person forces to hide their desires for long, they tend to fulfill them secretly. Which leads to cheating and further complications.

Till the time we are not open to take the responsibilities that come along with the love, we should refrain ourselves from the false commitments. Understand love in true sense before you start crying about how much you love someone. Maybe that’ll save you from a heartbreak and false hopes.

Why do I love you – story

He was sitting in the balcony of his flat on the 15th floor in a lush green locality with the moonlight reflecting through the water of the sea in a distance on a starry night. The coffee on the table had gone cold and the ash tray was filled with ashes and cigarette butts. 

He was still smoking the Marlboro lights, his favorite brand, when someone came and sat next to him. “You know its not good. You have already smoked 7 in last 2 hours. Don’t do this to yourself.”, that person said.

“Did it hurt you as well?”, the only question he thought of asking.

“You know I’ll speak what you think. I’m just a figment of your thoughts. So, yes. Letting you go was hard for me as well. I loved you. I still do. But you remember my last words? I asked you if you want to be with me. But you were too scared. I know you have never been loved completely and that’s why you were scared. We are all scared of something new. But your walls were too high. I tried my best to break down your walls.”

“Did you ever feel that I don’t love you? Was ‘I love you’ the only thing that could have told you how much I love you?”

“No, but I wanted to hear it from you. I tried to enter inside those walls and be with you but you kept pulling yourself away.”

“You know, I’m glad that you found someone who allowed you in after you left me. I wish I could just forget that I still love you.”

A voice interrupted from behind, “You see, that’s why I told you that your love has no value.”

He knew this voice. His head lowered and the tears drizzled over his black T-shirt which knew how to absorb and hide it from everyone else. That was one of the reasons why black was his favorite color.

The person sitting next to him vanished in thin air and the voice from behind continued. “You fall in love with people and you still love them. How could you do this? Did I not mean anything to you?”

He replied, “I wish I could show you what you mean to me. Everything I did for you was because I love you.”

“Hahahahaha. You just said I love you to him and now you’re saying you love me? You prove that love is just a word for you. Your ex at least knows the value of that word and I’m happy that I found a guy like him. At least, he does not go around saying I love you to everyone.”

“I’m glad. I can’t stop loving either of you.”

Another voice took over, “That’s why I was scared to be with you. I knew you will never be mine completely. You still love them and you being polyamorous, I felt insecure. I wish it was not this way. I had to find someone who can love me and take me out of my darkness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love again but the least I can do is keep that person happy who loves me and me alone.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the perfect lover. How I wish!”

Another person came and sat on his knees in front of him to hold his trembling hand and said, “You know I’m always going to be there for you. I am insecure as well to know that you may love someone else someday. But I’m not going to leave you.”

“I know you love me but you’ll leave as well once you’ll find someone to love you only.”

“You are just too scared and I hope one day, this will change.”, with those words, that person stood up and disappeared. 

Another person came from behind and caressed his hair. “Dave, you’re a beautiful person but you carry darkness within you. I loved you but I have my own darkness. We both need someone to take us to light. Your darkness would have added to mine. That’s why I had to ask you to leave. I’m sorry that I made you build your walls so high.”

“Its done. You already got someone I love. I hope you find the light. This is my life now. This is my darkness.”

“For the first time, I don’t know why, but your words have hurt me. But I know, this too shall pass.”

The caressing stopped and another figure appeared, standing near the railing of the balcony. “I admire you. You are like an inspiration for me. You make me believe that one day everything will be fine. How can you think of being with someone who is your inspiration?”

“You don’t have to justify yourself. I will learn to stop falling in love.”

All the voices came together now, “If that’s what you want, let us help you build your walls higher than before.”

That night, he went off to sleep only to wake up as an amorophobic person. His walls, higher than before. His emotions locked down in a dark corner. Maybe someday, someone will walk in, to try and bring him to light but who knows, if that will be another evil play or a real love.

I hope you liked it 🙂

A small survey…

Well… I recently made a questionnaire out of curiosity to see what people see or think when they want a partner in their lives.

Disclaimer: The results of this questionnaire does not determine or speak for everyone. In the end, not everyone is same.

However, I hope you guys will find the results interesting. 

So… In this survey, a total of 85 people participated and since I shared it in mostly LGBT groups where mostly gay guys are more active, most of the participants were gay…

Now, let’s first talk about the predominant gay people. Total of 58 gay guys participated. And its interesting that gay guys who identify themselves as top are lesser in the list of participants. It was an open questionnaire. So, this makes me wonder if tops are really shy because I don’t think there’s any lack of tops. Trust me, on the gay dating apps, I mostly find tops sending me messages.

I asked the tops, what do they want their partner to be and out of 9 people, majority does not care.

However, most of the bottoms are very specific it seems.

However, this doesn’t seem that surprising, coming from versatile gay guys.

Now, amongst these 58 guys, 50% of guys prefer masculine guys but not alpha men. Some don’t care the kind of guy as long as they are good people and there’s love and few want to have alpha male guys. 

Now, let’s speak about lesbians. I guess lesbians are either busy in their own lives, working for themselves or the society or they are too shy to participate. Only 4 girls participated who identify themselves as lesbians.

However, its amazing to see that these girls don’t care what their girl prefers in bed (as long as there is love, I believe).

However, what kind of girl they want as partner is something that seems to be determined by their personal preference in bed. This should give an insight.

Now, since straight, bisexual and pansexual can be either men, women or trans people, here’s the percentage break down of how many of them participated.

Now, out of these, we got as many bisexual and pansexual people as there are straight men who were interested in the survey. However, straight women seems to be more active on facebook than the rest.

Now, that says, 5 straight men and 7 straight women participated. However, most of them do not care if the person is masculine or feminine.

Now, few questions were common to all. First was, what is their preferred age group and it seems 21-30 is most preferred. 

PS the participants were between 19 to 50 years and most of them were between the age group of 19 to 30.

Next was, how many of them are monoamorous and how many are polyamorous. And undoubtedly, monoamorous holds majority with 60 out of 85.

When monoamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is polyamorous and they can’t change, their response was not surprising for me. 33 out of 60 said, they will leave their partner.

I guess, people still think that loving more than one means cheating on your partner who loves you only or maybe they want their partner to love them only. However, when polyamorous people were asked what would they do if their partner is monoamorous, 22 out of 25 said they’ll adjust.

I guess, polyamorous people will mostly have to cut down on their love for others and shut their feelings out and they’ll be asked to choose any one. However, I honestly respect those 27 monoamorous people who believe they’ll try to adjust with the fact that their love loves someone else as well. I know its not easy.

Now, let’s take a look at what do they see first while choosing a partner.

Based on this, majority of people consider the nature of a person. The ones who selected other, wanted to select more than one option. However, there was one option that was answered in the other section and that was emotional independence. Now that was interesting. 

Some people asked me why do I not have multiple option for this. Honestly, I wanted people to respond to this based on what comes first in their mind instead of going by everything.

I also wanted to see if people would speak up for a random queer person if their partner passes a derogatory comment at someone for being different from others and I must say, this makes me happy to see that most of the people would try to make their partner realize that they are wrong.

Now, all of this does not conclude anything in specific but it is certainly interesting to see these responses. Now this final question was to see how these people themselves see a group which is treated as an outcast mostly, the hijras. And I’m glad to see that most of the people do not see them as an outcast but as any other human being who deserves same space as everyone else. Some of them also acknowledge that they are underprivileged which means they believe that hijras deserve more than what they currently have in the society.

I hope you guys find these results as interesting as it is for me. What do you think?

Response to Major Gaurav Arya

Dear sir!

You belong to army I believe? First of all, I have a great respect for our indian army men. My uncle is lieutenant colonel in armed forces. I know, you people took up the most risky job of your lives. We, common people do not deserve as much respect as you do. Everyday of your lives are at risk.

Not long ago, when everyone was expecting a good night sleep, some terrorists killed 18 soldiers near the border. I have no words to express how I feel. Only thing I can think of is I want those terrorists to be dead. I want every last terrorist to be dead so that they do not breed any further. So that this world of hate and murders can be over.

But there are many people like me who think sending Pakistani artists back was not necessary. You said that makes you soldiers think why are you even fighting? Well I believe the war you are fighting is to achieve peace? I guess that’s what said as well, peace is the end result of war.

Anyone who wants peace, knows that there will be a war, a war against terrorism. We stand in solidarity with you in the war against terrorism. We appreciate our soldiers fighting it back for the peace. But are the artists of Pakistan terrorists? Fawad Khan, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan and many other Pakistani artists, who have worked with Bollywood, have considered India as their family, not once but time and again.

There are several Pakistani people who are a fan of Bollywood movies and actors. Do you consider every Pakistani a terrorist supporter? Do you believe every Pakistani is a terrorist? Do you think that only India has innocent civilians?

Why is it too difficult to believe that we stand with our army in the fight against terrorism? Just because we believe that every innocent lives, who wants peace, matter? Just because we appreciate and admire those Pakistani artists who consider India as their family, you and your soldiers think that we have lost respect for you and those who lost their lives?

Yes, its very easy for us to sit in our homes and talk about peace because we aren’t fighting at the borders but I have a question. Why did you choose Indian army when you could have been a 12th pass call center worker? Were you not aware of what responsibilities come along with that uniform? Did your soldiers sign up for this job to hear about whether people are boycotting peace loving Pakistani citizens or not? Or did you sign up for this job just because it secures your family future and pays you well? I’m asking this because my family wanted me to join army because I won’t have money issues and my family future will be secured.

If those were the reasons for joining Indian army, then I think you shouldn’t have been in the army in the first place. One must join army for 2 reasons, they are against terrorism and they are ready to fight for the safety of the nation. 

We mourn along with the families of the soldiers. Their deaths were uncalled for. But sending Pakistani artists back is neither going to help us achieve peace, nor it will bring back the lives of the departed souls. Your fight is against terrorism. It doesn’t matter if its from Pakistan, China or any other country.

There’s no pain of Fawad leaving India, its just a logical reasoning and debate. There were 20 Pakistani girls who came to India recently as a delegate to peace summit. Should they have been boycotted and sent back just because they are young girls from Pakistan who wants peace? Is having Pakistani citizenship a benchmark or a brand that confirms that the person is a terrorist?

Patriotism is good but we believe in “Vasudhaiv Kutumbakum”. We have respect for our army but that does not mean that we will support every senseless step that is not towards progression or betterment. 

We can keep on arguing about ban on Pakistani artists but honestly, let’s consider a situation where we manage to kill every last terrorist hiding in Pakistan. The only thing that it will lead to is another set of people in Pakistan who will remember how Indians misbehaved with the peace loving citizens of Pakistan.

You see what it will create? A new set of haters, a new set of terrorists. And this fight will never stop. We have a choice, either we spill our anger all at once and create more hate between the two nations and focus on short term peace or we hold on to whatever small amount of love and mutual respect we have achieved between the two countries and destroy the pertaining hate filled terrorists and aim at a long time peace.

Choice is yours. I leave the judgement upon you and every other citizen.

Thank you.

Vlog – “Polyamorous relations – loving more than one

I had come across a post about a person falling in love with two people and I felt the words echo my feelings as well. I have always been vocal about me being polyamorous, however, its really difficult for people to understand as how a person can love more than one person. 

Here’s the vlog. I hope you guys like it.

If you like my blog, I’m sure you’ll like my vlogs too. I’m planning to make vlogs as that seems to be more interactive for a lot of people.

Subscribe to my channel, give me thumbs up and share, if you feel like. 

Religions are man made

There has been so much of religious debate going on after media started asking for ban on Zakir Naik for spreading hate and supporting terrorism. Here’s the thing, I don’t see what good it will do instead of creating more intolerance, which has already started. Zakir Naik is preaching Quran or what he perceives from Quran. I do not support his views but I don’t think putting a ban on him is any good idea.

But here’s something, you get what you give. You call me a sinner, I call you hateful blind bigoted follower. Your religious sentiments get hurt because I think your religion has taught you hate? My spiritual sentiment also gets hurt when you call me sinner even though I’m fighting to save humanity amongst humans and mind you, I’m doing that every single day unlike you, all you so called religious people, who come preaching your ideologies only when you find it convenient. 

If God above would really want you to do something to please him, it will be to bring humanity back to humans, not preaching others how your religion is superior. Guess what has led to several wars in the world? Religious differences. 

There’s only one God and if He’s really there, He will never want or rather would have created so many religions across the world. If He wanted everyone to follow Him, He would have kept one religion across the world. (Please try using your brain for logic instead of getting hyper thinking I’m here to hurt your religious sentiments).

Moving on, if He is one, then where did these several religions come from? Why did God allow several religions to be created in the first place? Doesn’t that make you feel even a bit that it maybe the work of humans to control a set of humans and follow their ideologies by telling that others are hollow and showing them the weak points of the other religions? And how did religion end up having a weak points if those have been given by God himself? Was God not aware of the weak points? If He was not, then was God flawed? If He was, was He God or a human?

I was watching Zakir’s video where a man asks him what should a person do if his child converts to another religion? Zakir gave a response quoting Quran about Noah’s ark where Noah’s son was not saved by the God even though Noah had prayed to the Lord to save him just because he left Islam. He tells, Lord said, only Islam is the true religion and if your son leaves Islam, he is no longer your son (in faith).

Here’s a funny thing I had been thinking about. When did this Noah’s ark incident has actually happened? Was it before the creation of humanity or was it after? If it was before the creation of humanity, then shouldn’t Islam have existed from the very beginning of the creation? Shouldn’t Islam be the first ever religion that came into existence if Lord didn’t save no Noah’s son for leaving Islam? Why do we hear about Islam coming into existence since 610AD while many other religions have existed much before that?

Let’s consider the part where the incident had happened after the existence of humanity. If that was the case, then how come other religions still existed while the only humans who were saved were Muslims or the ones who followed Islam? Shouldn’t all other religions have been wiped out? 

(Again I’m not trying to pick up on Islam alone because similar stories are told in other Abrahamic religions as well and my intent is to make people use brain and logic behind everything. I am not asking for anyone to convert because you live in a free world and I believe in mutual coexistence. After all, religions are supposed to bring you closer to other humans and not create differences, if they are actually based on giving humans a spiritual experience and ecstacy.)

Ask yourself a question, do you think your religion is the best? What’s the reason? Zakir Naik says, Islam has strict laws against crimes but no other religion does. Let me tell you, in Hinduism, no one, not even women were told how to have “decency” by telling them what they should wear. The only thing that was there was no one should hurt or harm others and without consent of the other, you were not allowed to get even closer or dishonor their dignity (I’m not promoting Hinduism but I know Hinduism as I was born Hindu and I have read many scriptures.)

Here’s an example that was set by Krishna to show what can happen if you dishonor women. In Mahabharata, the whole of Kaurava clan was killed, not just for dishonoring a woman but also for being a part of that shameless act. It was to show what happens when you dishonor or be a part or be a silent spectator of such an act.

Zakir Naik says, when Islam says a rapist should get death penalty, everyone calls them barbaric but if you ask non Muslim people what they think is the right punishment if their women go through it, they all want rapists to be dead. Then they forget they are being barbaric. Let me remind you of what everyone in the country demanded for the rapists of Nirbhaya incident. Everyone asked those men to have death penalty or even worse.

We all are humans and only we can think of death penalty for such crimes because it boils our blood. The laws that have been laid down in any of the religious books have been written down by humans because this is what all humans feel is justified for such heinous crime. If there is one God, then there exists one religion and Islam is not the one. (Here’s a hint about what should be the only religion, humanity.) Its existence came in the world in recent history. Most of the religions have existed even before Islam came in.

Neither previous religions have had any such adverse or bad effect on the society, nor Islam had miraculous effect on humans after it came into existence. Humans used to live  happily earlier as well, they live happily still as well, with or without any religion. There were crimes and punishments earlier as well, there are crimes and punishments today as well, be it religiously guided punishments or not.

The only thing that has happened with such religious differences are wars and deaths of several innocents because two religious fundamentalists just don’t want to accept the fact that, without following each other’s religions, they can still live a blessed life and want to push each other’s religion on others as a better religion. The God above will not fight with himself that my Islam is better or my Christianity is better or my Hinduism is better or any other religion is better. It is us, humans, fundamentalists, who just can’t keep our religion to ourselves and wish to push down our religion as the best on others.

If religion has existed, it is because humans found things lacking in other religions and wanted to make a better life for others so they came up with their “better version” of other religion. That is why, you’ll see all religions overlap at various points. They are all derived or inspired from others to create a better version for humans but every religion ended up lacking one thing, allow every human to live peacefully as they want. And you know the reason why? Because everyone wants to control more humans and follow their religion because they think this is best while that may or may not be the case.

With that, I put my pen down. I believe in mutually coexisting peacefully and with happiness. I believe in enjoying the diversity. I am 23 and no religion has guided me to become this wise. I learnt it from life. Trust me, you won’t need religion to guide you if you just use your brain to understand where you should stop yourself and what is good for you and not bad for others.

Thanks for reading.

About The Almighty

Le me being a preacher today. If this post makes sense to you, you may have an open mind. If this post makes you feel that its directed to a particular religion, then you need to wash your face, wash your hands, have your meal and go back to what you were doing because I have no strength to argue with closed minds. Continue reading About The Almighty